The Looming Spectre Approaches or How I Celebrated My 30th Birthday

[12 Jan 2009 | Monday] 

Category: Parties and Nightlife 40 Days. In 40 days, I'll be 30. The countdown's begun, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.A lot of me couldn't care less about the looming prospect of becomingyet another year older. Then there's that other side that looks on atthis "milestone" as something extraordinary and awesome, something thatshould be celebrated in a manner reserved for Great Ceaser. Quitefrankly, I'mjust not feeling that. I'm just a regular guy who likesregular things. I'm not going to rent out the Bellagio and party likeit's 1999. That's not me (not to mention quite a bit outside of mybudget). Major details: Birthday 2/22, Party will be on Saturday night 2/21 So here's the big ideas of the day:   Dinner with family, followed by...     1.) Party at The Little Cave as per usual. Problem there isI'm worried that if I were to hold it on Sat that there might be acrowd and not everyone would be guaranteed entrance (though this couldall be a moot point as the economy might have hurt business for them.Anyone been to the Cave lately?). Could be solved by seeing if theycould get together a guest list or something of that nature.     2.) Rent the second level of Barney's Beanery in Santa Monica.A whole floor to ourselves with pool tables and shuffle board, beer,and liquor. Sounds like fun, but it's in Santa Monica and the placemight be teaming with douchebags.     3.) Rent out or simply have the party at 6940, a Whittier barwith a great selection of beers, but no real liquor to offer. Love theplace, love the beers, but it's in Whittier. Seems a bit of a drive forjust about everyone but me.     4.) Rent out or simply have the party at Miss'T's Barcade.It's an awesome little bar with arcade cabinets of old school games.Problem is they have a very small list of beers and no real liquoraside for saki. Small place and smaller crowds might result in me beingable to rent the whole place on the cheap, but it's also pretty crampedand without a good assortment of drinks, the crowd might get restless.      5.) Convince a good friend to allow me to throw my party at his house (by the way, I had a great time ringing in the New Year with you guys!). It'd save on money and really put the whole personal touch on it, but then again it's a lot to ask, you know? Still, it might be nice not having to worry about too much beside clean up at the end of the night. Honestly though, I wish we could do everything at my house, too bad that's not a possibility quite yet. However, 31 will be an awesome party! I'd like to fit Mexico in there somewhere, probably not in thesame week. Hell, as long as we did it sometime this year before thesummer really set on, I'd be happy. So what are your suggestions?

The Kids These Days!

[25 Nov 2008 | Tuesday] 

It's no secret that you're parents probably hate the music you're into. Hell, your grandparents probably hated your parents music and so on and so forth. With that in mind, I remember wondering, as a youth, where the hell music had left to go. I mean, I grew up on metal, gangster rap, and grunge. Trent Reznor wanted to fuck me like an animal; Dr Dre never hesitated to put a nigga on his back; and King Diamond... well who knew what the fuck they were screaming about, but whatever it was, it was probably pretty evil. So where did music have left to go? Could it get more controversial than Me So Horny? Well, I got my answer today... I have accepted that I am now officially old, because if this video is indicative of the shit kids are listening to, then I have to say it, "The kids these days! That's not music, it's just plain noise!" Also, their noise sucks my balls in hell. I have never wanted to kill anyone group of persons more in my life.

Ten Bucks a Ticket: 007 Quantum of Solace

[19 Nov 2008 | Wednesday] 

You, sir, are totally bad ass I want to start by saying a few things- 1.) I've never really seen a James Bond movie all the way through (aside from these latest entries into the series - also to note, don't be so shocked. I hadn't actually watched Star Wars ep 4-6 all the way through until 2 Summers ago.) 2.) I'm sorry, but I just don't get James Bond movies. 3.) Pierce Brosnan is a total fag! Okay, now. Calm down. I know, the hate is coming shortly. First off, I'm a critic who's never seen Sean Connery do his thing. that's one strike against me, and secondly I just called some lame ass a fag.On the first thing: sorry. Sean Connery might b0 a great actor. I've just never had the chance to appreciate him much more than his spot in Indiana Jones and Finding Forrester (a role which catapulted his career into the stratosphere with the soul-wrenching line, "You're the man now, dog!") Okay, no more of that, back to Bond. James Bond is just outside of my sphere. Sorry, but I'm not interested in watching some aloof douche bag alternate between lame tongue-in-cheek sexual innuendo, horrifically bad pun, and shooting a random guy. That whole mess right there just isn't my cup of tea. Sorry. Plus, Pierce Brosnan IS A TOTAL FAG. The guy's a tool. He's what lame guys the world over aspire to be. He's sad and nowhere near suave. The guy is  better suited to getting hit in the head with fruit than being an international ladies man- which by the way is another reason I detest the Bond films. Any man who can be titled an international ladies man should be shot. That shit is just plain lame. Look, I'm sure there are fuckers out there who are so slick that they can get pussy on every continent without fail, but I GURANTEE YOU that none of them would ever want someone to refer to them as an international ladies man... well, maybe that super douche Mystery from that show The Pick-up Artist. So with all of that crap aired, I have to say that I liked Casino Royale! I liked Quantum of Solance! -And to top it off, I like Daniel Craig! Here's the skinny, folks: I don't like douche bags; I don't like movies with douche bags; and I don't like stories written by douche bags. I'm as simple as that. The problem with most Bond flicks is that they were too douchey. It wasn't fun to cheer for the guy that never gave a shit and never showed a single emotion. It's not enjoyable to care for that sort of guy,a nd that's the kind of guy Bond is. He doesn't care and would rather make vague references to putting his penis in vagina than give the audience a reason to empathize with him. That's where Daniel Craig's Bond is different. fact is, I've got to hand it to the geniuses behind the series. They realized that Bond was getting boring, so there decided to reboot the franchise and start from the beginning. It helps get into the stories when you realize that Bond is just a regular guy. He can fall in love. He can feel betrayed. He can get angry and want revenge. All that shit is awesome and helps me, as a member of the audience, really get into the film. Now are both movies genuis themselves? Well no, not really. Casino Royale is pretty sharp, but it runs a bit long. The casino scenes are abysmal with more straight-flushes, royal flushes, and four of a kinds popping up than STDs at shore leave in Bangkok. Plus I'd seen the parkour stuff (urban gynastics) done before and with a higher level of skill in District B-13. All in all, though it was a fun movie and made me realize that the Bond movies weren't all bad. Quantum of Solace came next, and what can I say? I really liked it. Is it the best thing since grape soda? No, mostly because grape soda rocks the cazbah. -But it's still good. The action sequences are fun and unrelelnting. In fact, you'll spend less time listening to people talk, than watching Bond run after/be chased by/shooting the hell out of bad guys in this movie. It's action packed. So with that, I bid you a fond farewell. Thanks for listening to my crap. Overall Score: 7.0 Good, not great. Check it out.

Ten Bucks MetaReview: Reign over Me

[18 Nov 2008 | Tuesday] 

Just finished watching Reign Over Me, the Adam Sandler/Don Cheadle film about a guy essentially dealing the sever loss and the dark places he goes because of said loss. It was a powerful piece through and through, and usually about now I'd sit and get overly introspective about my own life. Movies have always affected me, maybe more so than other people. I can't say that for certain. Maybe everyone gets it, maybe everyone feels the same way I do. I just know what I go through after seeing something like this. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember the fallout after seeing Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. I broke someone's heart after seeing that movie. It was a fucked up thing for me to do, but I couldn't help but feel compelled to be honest with that person. She loved me dearly, was devoted to me and in those times I was a bastard to her. You know who you are. I am and will eternally be sorry to you for what I put you through during our time together. I was immature and very selfish. -And yes I know that we weren't meant for one another (as exhibited by both of our present happy states) but I can't let that excuse my behavior then. That's not really what I was wanting to say with this blog though- The movie was good. If you're in the mood, I suggest renting it and seeing it for yourself. That being said, I guess I feel something odd right now. You see, I don't have a need to get all introspective at the moment. You see, the most prominent part of the movie, the section that might have had the most impact for me, didn't affect me at all. In a moment of clarity, Don Cheadle's character calls his wife and apologizes to her for not letting her in, for shutting her out of his life. He confides in her that he is going to try to communicate more, because he "doesn't want to be that guy". It a powerful moment, but for me, I didn't feel it. At the end of the day, that's what came as my moment of clarity. I'm doing things the right way. No secrets. No holding back. This is the way I should have always been. I'm sorry for mistakes of the past, but I'm glad that on some level I've learned and grown from them. That is all.

House = Ours

[11 Nov 2008 | Tuesday] 

Caption Choices Below: This is what "win" looks like. Half a million dollars never looked so good/pathetic/miniscule/silver. Key here? I hardly know her! Hey-oh! We are the proud new owners of 30 YEARS worth of debt! Yaaayy!!

Ten Bucks a Ticket: Role Models

[10 Nov 2008 | Monday] 

Current mood:  ecstatic Don't be so down, movie was good! If you're like me then you were probably cringing whenever you saw trailers for the newest Paul Rudd movie, Role Models. It starred that guy from American Pie, that kid from Super Bad, and looked like it was trying to cash in on 40 Year old Virgin cred. The whole production appeared to be nothing more than huge rip-off of everything before it, much the same way that every fucking comedy in the early 00's was trying to be Old School. Why is it that every time a successful comedy comes out, we have to spend the next 9 months to a year reliving it in increasingly painful, poorly conceived remakes? It's like seeing REM in concert only to be forced to sit through not one but twenty lesser talented Vegas Lounge acts covering their music with decreasing success. -But before you go running from this review thinking, "Alex hated it. At least that's one less thing to worry about", slow your roll a bit and listen to this... Ken Marino and David Wain are contributing writers (with Wain pulling double duty as the film's director). Beyond that, the film stars David Wain, Ken Marino, Kerri Kenney, and Joe Lo Truglio. Do yourself a favor and run those names through Google or IMDB and you'll find a couple of other things they have in common... MTV's The State and Wet Hot American Summer!Yes kids, the same people behind Role Models are our very dear friends who brought us such classic characters as Louie, Doug, Barry & Levon, and Blueberry Johnson. So it sort of goes without saying that Role Models is FUCKING awesome! Cast - A Absolutely everyone in Role Models is utter joy to watch! Sean William Scott shows that with the right script he is capable of playing someone other than Stifler (though the whole walking boner stigma seems to follow him where ever he goes). Paul Rudd brings his A game to the show and delivers some of the funniest limes you'ver ever heard. Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Bobb'e Thompson, who might have been throw-away characters in any other movie (the nerdy LARP kid and cussing black kid) are suprisingly human and get the proper attention they deserve. Jane Lynch is phenomenal, stealing every scene she's in with some of best left field lines in the history of left field lines. Add that to the rest of the ensemble cast and you've got yourself a winning formula! Story - B- There's really nothing new here. Rudd and Scott are two guys working for an energy drink company that panders to high school kids. When Rudd's long time girl friend dumps him, he goes a little off kilter and gets he and his friend arrested. What follows is a plea bargain which places them as Big Brothers to problem children (though why a judge would give convicted felons access to kids is beyond me). There are the usual twists and turns that you'd come to expect from a buddy flick including the buddies breaking up just to reunite when it counts. Seriously, the story is this movie's weak point, but you wouldn't notice it between all the laughs. Not great, but hardly noticeable. Buddy Factor - A+ Rudd and Scott are just plain fun to watch together. The details in their performances are what makes the movie. Expertly written and lovingly directed, Role Models becomes more than your standard buddy flick, probably because the people behind it are genuinely buddies. Overall Score - A See this fucking movie! See it and then buy it when it comes out on DVD!

10 Bucks a Ticket Movie Review: Quarantine

[28 Oct 2008 | Tuesday] 

Current mood:  bored Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities I was screaming too, though mostly for the movie to end. Quarantine is essentially another in a long line of "Don't call them zombies!" movies with a plot that revolves around a fluff piece for the local news gone wrong. Jennifer Carpenter, Debra Morgan on Showtime's Dexter, plays a reporter on a ride along with a group of firemen who come upon an apartment building that's hiding a big surprise, Zom- - uh I mean The Infect- - uh I mean, Rabies... Give it a second to sink in... yes.... I said rabies. The movie's "monsters" are people with rabies. If it's any consolation, they're people with super rabies (think Old Yeller times 50!). Rabies Zombies, in case you were concerned, loosely means that the movie's filled with 28 Days Later zombies, except with less style and more shaky cam. While I'm on the subject, when did shaky cam become cool? Because I think it's pretty lame and always feels like a cheap way of adding emotion where there was none beofre. I imagine board room meetings where someone chimes in, "This whole 'filming a movie with cameras' thing is derivative and boring. How about instead of telling a compelling story through the use of good filmmaking and cinematography, we just put the viewer in the movie by having everything unfold in first person! It's brilliant, just like one of those video games the kids love so much!" "-but Bob, isn't that also annoying as hell? Plus, in all those movies the camera's so shaky that it doesn't allow the audience to ever get comfortable." "Right! That's because our movie has tons of tension!They're tense which is why they can't get comfortable." "Bob, tension is a product of good storytelling. What you're doing is just cheap and amateurish." "Shut up, you're stupid!" And so on and so forth- So let's get to the nitty-gritty: what exactly is wrong with Quarantine? To be honest, not a whole lot- the problem is that there isn't a whole lot that's right about the film either. It's just a lame duck that doesn't provide much of anything in the way of entertainment. It just sort of exists. The acting isn't especially bad... or good for that matter. The story is simple but not really clever. Nothing is especially good or bad about it, which at the end of the day just translates into meaning that it's a complete waste of time. Cast - C B & C level actors and actresses make this whole production feel like Lost, the movie but without all of that quality stuff. There's the guy from "That Thing You Do", a guy from "Hostel", a girl from "Heroes, a guy from a lot of other things you've probably seen, and several other people who are just as forgettable. All in all, you'll keep thinking, "I know that person from somewhere" and forget them a second later. Story - D Getting from point A to point B never felt so nausea inducing. Formulaic and forgettable at best. Nothing to see here, move along. Cinematography and Special Effects - D Nothing new, just another zombie flick trying to cash in with a pitch that must have sounded like, "think 28 Days Later meets Cloverfield!" I'm bored just telling you about it. Overall Score: 5.0 Skip It. Utterly forgettable.

Our Prospective Home

[05 Oct 2008 | Sunday] 

Current mood:  hopeful Category: Life So how's everyone doing? I miss all of you greatly.Seems like I barely get to see any of you anymore, which is mostly my fault. I'm doing my best right now to better my position. So when I'm not at work, I'm at school. Back and forth in infinitum until the end of Summer next year. Then hopefully things will cool down a bit and I'll be able to finally enjoy life some. So onto more pressing news. As many of you are aware, Chana and I and currently in the process of securing our very first home. It's unbelievable. I go from feeling insanely happy one minute to paralyzed by tense fear the next. Ah the joys of home ownership. So for those of you who might not be familiar with the home buying process, I'll explain a little bit about where we are at this second. We've been looking for the better part of 4 months. Saw a lot of shit and some good and okay stuff. Just the usual. Found this place in Mt Washington and fell in love. We put in our offers and after some haggling accepted an offer from the seller. So we're currently in Escrow, which basically means, that we're waiting for everyone to get their ducks in a row before we can finally do this. There's a ton of paperwork and lots to do. We just finished our Home Inspection today, and I'm finally starting to feel a bit relieved now that some of the work is behind us. At the moment, we're just waiting for the loan to finally be approved and then it's on to business. Here is a link to the Photo Album of our Inspection. It has all the details of our possible place. http://picasaweb.google.com/LXMadrid/HomeSearch

Moving On

[06 Jan 2008 | Sunday] 

Current mood:  discontent For anyone who's kept up, or since lost track, this is my first blog in rougly a year though I'm probably seriously overexaggerating. Forgive me if I have a dozen or so misspelled words as I am typing on a new keyboard and this thing is giving me some serious problems. Don't know how many times I'll be going back to fix this or that before just raising my hands to the gods and moving on with my thoughts. So here goes, (hopefully spell check does its job) I went through a pretty decent rainbow of emotions today. It's funny now that I think about it yet somehow startlingly serious. I want to just push all of my thoughts aside and chalk this whole day's worth of thought to over-thinking, which I am prone to do. The thing about it is that I really can't help but feel that something is on the horizon, maybe a changing of the guard... Here's the thing, this morning as I was running through my errands I found myself going through about 5 christmas pressents that never got delivered. They were all for friends who hadn't come to my christmas party, which sent me down that path. I got good and set in that mire of thought. What the fuck? These were some of my closest friends, people who I know got my invitations, people who should have had the common courtesy to simply drop me a line and say, "Hey, sorry. Can't make it." Yet I didn't even get that. Now I know we are all busy. Hell, we're working adults. That's funny to say, but it's the truth, and often times friendships and relationships take a back seat to making sure we keep our heads above water. That being said, how long does it take to make a fucking call? I can't express in words how much my blood boiled over that one. I started thinking further along that path and got angrier. Why is it that I'm always the one who seems to have to extend himself to them? When's the last time they visited me for chrissakes? Shit like that digs its own holes. Trouble with all those questions is, for the most part, I was right.... right and justified until I read a recent blog. I fell on myself when I saw that, wanted to slap myself for thinking bullshit like that. Here I was being selfish when something traumatic happened, something with a bit more weight that a silly party. Don't get me wrong, I still would have liked a phone call, an email, anything... but I wasn't going to sweat it as much and I had been over the course of the day... Which actually brings me to the next step in that train of thought. As I read along, moving from anger to shock to understanding, I found myself in another place. I saw friends moving in with one another. I saw friends consoling one another. I saw friends relying on one another. At the end of that day, that is what friends do. So why did I feel like such an outsider? Basically, I was watching people moving on with their lives, traveling down their specific paths while I along mine went the other way. I honestly feel removed from some of my closest friends. It's funny how life happens like that. I thought I would have some of these people in my life for the rest of my life and now I wonder if there's any tomorrow. Now look, I'm not trying to be overly dramamtic. I know that if I got together with my friends tomorrow, it's be like old times. I'm just making very general observations here about the finite length that most people have in our lives, even those we consider family. Now I may be wrong. Shit might change entirely once I move closer to them. Turns out my girlfriend and I are planning on buying a house sometime within the next 2 years and our goal location is somewhere in the Eagle Rock, Highland Park, Glassell Park, Pasadena region. Hopefully all of these negative thoughts will be gone soon because I honestly love my tight circle of friends. Whether I see them today, tomorrow, or next month they are my blood through and through, which is why it hurts so much when I feel slighted by them. I guess at the end of the day no one can truly control where their lives take them, and as a result we move closer or further away from those people surrounding us. I just wish it was easier dealing with some of this stuff. Alex, signing off-

Waxing Romantic

[31 Mar 2007 | Saturday] 

Category: Writing and Poetry I really went back and forth about sending this email directly to you. In fact, at this very moment, I'm still debating it. The fact is, you already know I'm a romantic and my restating that fact won't make you swoon that much more and all it does is put me at risk of beating the proverbial dead horse. So here are my two options: I either a.) blog this whole thing and talk about the three movies I've just watched, the latter of two which had the most impact or b.) I write you and let you into my world a little more. That seems to be the dilemma at hand. So there you have it folks, and I realize that as I write this, I am looking more and more neurotic by the second, so that blogging option is starting to look insanely attractive. So I'm stuck at home with nothing to do, the setup for any terrible night. I decide to take a look back in my DVD library and pull out a shiner I haven't seen in a dog's age, Before Sunrise and its sequel (which I confess, I've never seen) Before Sunset. Yeah, I know they're romantic drivel, but this is my time OK? I guess I just wanted to see if Sunrise was anything like I remembered it. It was so long ago. I remembered being this young kid, watching it and being full of youth and vigor. My heart swelled at the thought of finding a love as pure as the one Ethan Hawke found in Judy Delpy, and yet like any great Hollywood story theirs was a fleeting love. I don't think I understood, then, how important that fact would be to the overall emotional development between them or how it would force certain issues more so than others. I guess I just watched and believed that it could be that way, that two people could meet, share an intelligent discourse, find that their souls complimented one another's, and simply fall in love. It made logical sense and yet defied everything logical and reached into the emotional... into the magical. It was beautiful and romantic, everything love should be. Watching it just took me back to that place. Took me back to those impressionable, wishfully painful days when I didn't worry so much and when my heart was at ready. I wanted for love so badly that I would risk my neck for anybody. In the end that would be my downfall. I would grow cold and calloused. I would turn into one of those pricks that I detested so, and why? -Because I was scared of being hurt again? Shit, if I look back on those early days, the girls I was risking my neck for were fucked up to begin with. They were confused and fixated on shitty boyfriends who treated them like garbage to begin with. How else did I expect them to perceive me? There I was, saying I thought the world of them when they obviously knew better from years of self-esteem asphyxiation. The guys who treated them like dirt knew them, not me, hence that's who they gravitated toward. Sadly, it's stupid high school bullshit like that which helps to kill so many nice guy tendencies. Seriously, how many times do you have to see that the asshole wins before you want to become an asshole yourself? It's a horrible cycle: stick with who you truly are and be hurt for it, unappreciated, and likely overlooked, or change and get noticed, dates, and plenty of tail but nothing meaningful. -And to think, this all came out of a fucking movie. Two people meet. They connect. They fall for one another. The shortness of the hour hits. They realize how little time they have with one another and make the most of it. By the end, you're left wondering if they actually did fall madly in love with one another or if their little tryst was just the product of panic and youthful hormonal lust? Then came the second film, one I wasn't so sure I'd be able to connect with. Our characters are nine years older, roughly 32 now, and both in relationships that seem well thought out and amiable on all fronts. He's married with a child and she's seeing a photojournalist. Both of them, by all accounts, should be happy. After a second meeting, they pickup almost exactly where they left off. They go on and on about foreign wars and politics in general. He is the cynic, yet somehow the idealist at heart. She remains brilliantly coy, passionate, and full of vigor. Time passes between them, and somehow they are placed in the same situation, wondering if or when they'll ever see each other again. Without trying they confess to being in loveless lives, to giving up on romantic love right after they saw each other last. They confess to making due, to trying their best to make the circumstances and people around them fit, to trying to be the best people they could be. They confess to hiding their hearts and pretending to be happy. They confess to being on the breaking point, but not really knowing it until they saw one another. It's funny how things work sometimes. I guess Before Sunrise perfectly embodies everything I wanted in a romantic, passionate connection, while Before Sunset embodies everyone of my worst fears. No one wants to settle. No one looks into the mirror and proclaims that they'd be OK taking second place. Everyone wants love, which doesn't necessarily mean that you're with the perfect person to everyone else's standards, just your own. There was this part and I just started laughing my ass off when I heard... so Judy Delpy and Ethan Hawke are in this cafe faking telephone calls home to explain the odd set of circumstances that landed them in Vienna with a complete stranger. Hawke, while talking to one of his best friends, confesses that he feels like such an oaf whenever he speaks to Delpy, whom he perceives as hyper intelligent and completely out of his range. I'm telling you, dude, I was right there. I feel the same way about you sometimes. Trust me, I know there are some serious Neanderthals out there. I understand that I'm not an idiot, but I still feel at least a little intimidated by you every now and again. The thing is, I know where it comes from. You see, with most people I can usually get by with bullshitting my way through this or that. I have a relatively firm grasp of the English language. You, on the other hand, have that shit on lock down and there's really no bullshitting you. I almost feel like I have to have a permanent Answers.com window open up to make sure that I'm not using the wrong words in the wrong places. Again it's nothing crazy, it's just that I'm not used to girls that can hold their own or who know when to call bullshit when I've fucked up. It's something I've been begging for for a very long time, and now that I've got it I just don't know what to do with it. Do you catch my drift? (-I could actually relate it to a story my grandma told me earlier today, but I'll save that for later. Suffice it to say, it took a huge weight off my shoulders and had me rolling in the aisles.) As it turns out, I guess I just needed to say something. I wanted to talk. Taking that trip down memory lane really resurrected more than a few untapped feelings. The problem now I'm now faced with is: do I let you in? You know how it is. This amount of brutal honesty, one shot after the other, has the potential to scare a person away. I mean there's nothing wrong with what I'm saying here. They're just thoughts. You're being allowed to see the way I think. Still... ...Maybe I'll save it for another time. I guess I'll see you when I see you. I'll leave you with the words from a street poet in Before Sunrise. It's something I've held onto for a while. Hope you like it. Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash Oh baby with your pretty face Drop a tear in my wineglass Look at those big eyes See what you mean to me Sweet-cakes and milkshakes I'm a delusion angel I'm a fantasy parade I want you to know what I think Don't want you to guess anymore You have no idea where I came from We have no idea where we're going Lodged in life Like branches in a river Flowing downstream Caught in the current I carry you You'll carry me That's how it could be Don't you know me? Don't you know me by now? -Alex

Ten Bucks a Ticket Movie Reviews: Retro Flashback Double Feature

[23 Mar 2007 | Friday] 

Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities It seems the more things change, the more they stay the same boys and girls. I went to see two semi-highly anticipated flicks this weekend, TMNT Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (a name I still can't say with any speed without having the words muddle together like I have a mouth full of peanut butter) and The Hills Have Eyes II. Now some of you may already be wondering about the title of this post. You're looking at me with a slight raise of your eyebrow and you're about to ask me, "Alex, you mention a retro flashback double feature? Is that a reference to The Hills Have Eyes being a remake?" My answer: NO! Boys and girls, there's a cameo from a world renowned star of stage and screen in The Hills Have Eyes II who hasn't seen the light of day in almost three decades, but you're going to have to wait for the review to find out who that person is! So without further adieu... Your favorite foursome are back and they're better than ever in this, they're newest cgi adventure. Geared toward children and those of us still living in the mid-90's, TMNT tells a story that takes place a few years after the defeat of the notorious Shredder. The turtles have splintered (horrible pun, I know) as a group and gone in their own directions though retaining the same underground domicile. As an ancient power looms in the distance and threatens not only New York but eventually the world, it becomes incumbent upon the turtles to repair their severed bonds and stand up for justice and all that is right. Look, you already know the story. The characters are here. Raphael is the hothead that hates being told what to do (and just like the first movie, ends up quiting the team at some point... hope that didn't spoil anything for anybody). Michaelangelo is the big kid, and my old personal favorite. Donatello is the computer nerd and works part time doing tech support, therefor he is my new favorite turtle. Which leaves us with Leonardo who stands as the conflicted leader, our glue meant to hold the four together. The Foot Clan make an appearance more so as cannon fodder, but really did you expect them to be anything else? We've seen this all before. What you're dying to ask me is, "Was it any good?" Truthfully, I gave you that answer in the first sentence. The flick is great. It's fun. It's full of action. It's jumpy. It's action-y. It's not Shakespeare. It's not meant to teach you any of life's big lesson's, but it will give you a little bit of a mid-90's hard on. Just do me one favor... don't see it in Orange County. I saw it there and that place fucking sucks. Time for a side note, kids. What is it about the O.C. that makes me want to vomit in my mouth? Seriously, because I really want to know. Having this sort of hate on for so many people with frosted spiked hair and f aux hawks is borderline racist and I'd almost feel bad if I didn't almost feel justified about the whole matter. Seriously, if there were a way to sink California into the ocean, but only do so with Orange County, then I'd be all for it. Anybody got any dynamite and a degree in plate tectonics? And done. See TMNT. See it because you loved the cartoon. See it if you loved the comic. Don't see it if you want something serious to expand your mind. As long as you don't go in with high expectations, you'll have plenty of fun. 6.9/10 Side Recommendations: Disney's The Wild (Went largely unnoticed but pretty damn funny nonetheless) So if you're like me then you saw The Hills have Eyes (2006) for its sheer brutality and insanely awesome makeup effects because honestly that's about all it had going for it. Look, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always looking for brains and beauty in every woman that I meet. Sometimes you just want a smokin' hot chick with not much under the hood because you just feel like cruising in auto pilot. The same goes for movies every now and again, which explains my love of Over the Top. Now back to the topic at hand: in a world where not every movie has to be an Oscar winner, how does The Hills have Eyes II hold up? Not well at all, I'm sorry to say... sorry mostly because I had to sit through this bundle of mediocrity. Let's start with the story. We begin in Sector 16, the site where our first film took place, a desolate former military testing ground for nuclear devices. It's since been the home to a new batch of infrared tests, but as this new group of scientists are in the process they are mysteriously murdered, unbeknownst to a group of young National Guardsmen who are in the process of delivering supplies. What follows is actually a rather sad and pretty damn racist series of events that is in no way scary since anything that's supposed to get you, you see coming from a mile away and the only things to do make you jump only come at you in the form of cheap jump scares (ie open the door, OH NO BATS!) bullshit. I guess what got me the most pissed off was how lame each of the mutant were. None of them had any real personality and it actually had me pining for the good old days of the first Hills have Eyes, and that's a sad sad statement. Seriously though, when all you've got for characters are the old guy with glasses, thin guy who likes to wear uniforms, jumpy guy in rocks, think guy who looks like rocks, and sympathetic mutant (who's sympathetic for no reason whatsoever) you know you've got a problem on your hands. Acting was lame too. Most of the soldiers were phoning in their performances and what's worse the film was filled with a bunch of ethnic stereotypes. You had the angry Mexican who couldn't control his temper, the black guy who'd killed someone, and the level-headed white boy who was there to help them both out. In fact, upon further examination there are so many stupid logic holes in the plot that it just makes you want to bang your head against something hard and sharp. The Sgt. at one point tells his soldiers that he wants them to load as if they were going into combat (i.e. weighed down) but then only instructs them to carry one magazine of bullets each. In another instance, when all of the grunts are aware they are under siege by mutants and that the girls are their prime targets, one of the girls goes off BY HERSELF, to pee. Look, I'm all for privacy, but fuck that. I'll drop trough in front of strangers and live rather than hide my goodies and die. **WARNING -- SHIT AHEAD IS EVIL -- WARNING** So I've made you sit through my ranting for long enough. I can see you demanding to know, "What the damn secret of The Hills have Eyes 2??" Okay, to prepare you for this one, I first need you to imagine one of your most beloved childhood characters doing something unforgivably gruesome. Imagine Snarf from The Thundercats shitting into Panthro's gaping head wound, mixing it in blood and brain, and then feeding the mixture to a masturbating Mumm'ra. Oh shit, that was fucking horrendous, but I'm just getting started. Imagine Astro from The Jetsons digging his teeth into Judy's bloody vagina, tearing out chunks of flesh. Okay, maybe now you're ready.... ....Sloth from the Goonies.... dripping thick white animal lines of drool from his maw, pounding like a drum into a tied down 100 lbs Puerto Rican girl while she screams and cries for mercy. Grunting, "Make me baby", in some sweaty underground third level of mining hell.... I do my best not to laugh... because it's fucking Sloth. I mean, yeah, it's terrible. Rape. Rape is horrible. Especially this level of graphic simulated rape, this is just fucking brutal... ...which brings me to another point, The Hills have Eyes II has crossed a line that I never thought I'd have a problem with and that's being brutal for the sake of being brutal. I'm sorry, but rape is not something you put into a movie just for shock value. It should have a reason for being there, to prove a point, send a message, or something, anything. This, this is just fucking retarded and is just the kind of crap that some sick asshole is just going to end up using as jerk off fodder later on down the road. Please people, if you're going to do something, do it for a fucking reason. ...but again... it's Sloth. Fuck, half the time I was for him to yell, "Hey you guys!" and save the fucking day. Needless to say, it was distracting. Final verdict? Hills have Eyes II wasn't horrible. It just wasn't any good. Nothing was special about the movie. It was so damn mediocre that had I paid to see it, I might have been mad at myself. Fuck, had that been anyone but Sloth banging away at that girl in the end, I really would have killed someone! If you're determined to see it, rent it. It's worth it to see Sloth getting slammed in the balls by a sledge hammer. I will say that. 4.3/10 Side Recommendations: The Descent & The Feast Correction: John Matuszak, the actor who portrayed Sloth, actually died in 1989. The bastard in The Hill have Eyes II was just trying to look like Sloth, which is a hundred times worse!! How could they desecrate the memory of my beloved childhood hero??!! Don't worry, big guy. I still love ya.John Matuszak RIP 1950-1989

Comic Richard Jeni Dies in Apparent Suicide

[12 Mar 2007 | Monday] 

By ANA BEATRIZ CHOLO  Associated Press Writer LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Richard Jeni, a standup comedian who played to sold-out crowds, was a regular on the "Tonight Show" and appeared in movies, died of a gunshot wound in an apparent suicide, police said Sunday. Police found the 49-year-old comedian alive but gravely injured in a West Hollywood home when they responded to a call Saturday morning from Jeni's girlfriend, Los Angeles Police Officer Norma Eisenman said. Eisenman said the caller told police: "My boyfriend shot himself in the face." Jeni died at a nearby hospital. Eisenman said suicide had not been officially confirmed and the investigation was continuing. An autopsy on Jeni would be done Monday, said Lt. Fred Corral from the investigation division of the coroner's office. Jeni regularly toured the country with a standup act and had starred in several HBO comedy specials, most recently "A Big Steaming Pile of Me" during the 2005-06 season. Another HBO special, "Platypus Man," won a Cable ACE award for best standup comedy special, and formed the basis for his UPN sitcom of the same name, which ran for one season. Jeni's movie credits included "The Mask," in which he played Jim Carrey's best friend, "The Aristocrats," "National Lampoon's Dad's Week Off," and "An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn." He had guest appearances in the TV shows "Everybody Hates Chris," "Married: With Children," and updated versions of the game shows "Hollywood Squares" and "Match Game." Frazer Smith, standup comedian who often opened for Jeni and the emcee at the Ice House, where Jeni often performed, said young comedians looked up to him. "He was probably one of the best standup comedians in the last 50 years," said Smith. "He had tons and tons of material. He was looked up to by all the young comedians, a total pro." The Brooklyn-born comic first received national attention in 1990 with the Showtime special "Richard Jeni: Boy From New York City." Two years later, his "Crazy From the Heat" special attracted the highest ratings in Showtime's history. Jeni became a frequent guest on "The Tonight Show" during Johnny Carson's reign and continued to appear after Jay Leno took over as host. He also wrote comic material for the 2005 Academy Awards, which was hosted by his friend Chris Rock.

Everything will turn out the way you want, if you stop doubting that I love you

[12 Mar 2007 | Monday] 

Category: Romance and Relationships Just finished watching The Science of Sleep, which was written and directed by Michael Gondry the same guy behind Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. It had that same vibe of unrequited love. Featured the same sort of sensative artist type that often gets overlooked or just plain ignored. The film even had the same cold vein of real white hot pain in it, the real kind that only love can inflict. Gondry seldom fucks around when explaining how cruel the opposite sex can be, even when they're not intending on being so. I guess it took me to a place I didn't really want to to think about. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this... There was just this one part that stuck out at me. Our protagonist, Stephane, has fallen for his neighbor. She for whatever reason does not return his advances. She'd rather they keep their relationship on a "friendly" level, which eats him up inside, but he swallows his pride along with a couple of ounces of bile and deals with it. He does his best, but secretly grows jealous when he sees her with other guys. He wonders what's wrong with him? Why she doesn't like him and all of that when all along she does have feelings for him (which he obviously has no idea ever existed). Long story short, he decides after a total breakdown of communication between them (right when it seemed that they might have had the chance to get closer, though maybe not if you'd have seen the fear in her eyes), to leave and go back home. They say their goodbyes and start a small fight. In the middle of it, she asks,"Why me?" Questioning his affections, really trying to say that his love for her is misplaced. His response is simple and resonated with me more than I could have imagined. He simply states, "Because everyone else is boring. And because you are different." I guess we're all looking for that: the person who's just a little bit odder than the rest, the person who excites us when the others can't. We want our ears to be perked and our hearts to dance. Everyone else is boring. And because you are different.

Ten Bucks a Ticket Movie Reviews: A Buncha Quickies and One Life Lesson

[10 Mar 2007 | Saturday] 

Okay, let's try and keep this short and sweet since I have something like four movies to do and a helluva night to get over (Yes, I drank too much, but not so much that it should have affected me the way it did- hence the life lesson). Superman Returns ...really should have been titled, "Yeah you should be disappointed since you waited all this time for a boring CGed up version of original!". Now I'm not saying that this new man of steel is all bollocks, but come on man, where's the fucking action??!! Did we need some never-ending story arch about how Louis can't love Supes anymore? Well yeah maybe, but it could have easily been handled over the course of the next coupla sequels. Plus, here's what really gets me: I saw an early pic from the Superman game and they showed Supes taking on a giant Brainiac robot and it wasn't even included in the film! How awesome could Superman Returns have been if they'd just have injected a little more adrenaline into it? Final Thought: Though it wasn't a bad movie, it was just one big disappointment. Give me more, damnit! One plane and an island of doom just don't cut it! Oh, and editors were made to make films shorter. That whole concept is one Singer should have really looked into. 5.9/10 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Solid performances. Great story. Fun action. So why am I not reccomending this little ditty? It's fucking long! -And I mean really fucking, Lord of the Rings style unending ending sequences, long! Shit man, I know there are gonna be like six of these flicks and all, but do I need the low down on every last detail in next coupla sequels? Final Thought: Look, it's good, but it has way too many actions sequences that dragged on and on and the movie would not end. I can almost gurantee you that if the thing had clocked in at 2 hours, I would have been a helluva lot more pleased with it in general. 7/10 A Scanner Darkly Basically the movie wants you to feel the same paranoia that any other stoner might be going through, but never really accomplishes it. It also tries to be witty and funny, and rarely ever got more than a slight chuckle out of me. It wanted to form compelling characters that I'd identify with and grow to care about, again it failed in this, which is not to say that it's poorly acted, it's just poorly presented. Final Thought: Maybe I just didn't get it. Maybe I need the right people with me when I watch it again. Maybe I just wasn't high. Either way, I'm gonna give it one last chance, though my first impression was not a good one. 4.2/10 (May be revised later) My Super Ex-Girlfriend Boy dates all the wrong types of women, namely pyscho hose beasts. He wants a good chick that will be fun, which is about the time that he runs into what may be a nice mild-mannered librarian type on the subway. They hit it off, and then she turns psycho too, except that when this bitch goes psycho she can really turn your life inside out. Mediocre hillarity ensues. Look, it wasn't bad, just pretty forgettable. You'll see it. You'll laugh. You'll never think about it again. Moral of the Story: Women are insane. Guys are retards that only want what's bad for 'em. And only after your ass gets hammered into oblivion will you realize that the good girl was standing next to you all along. 5.5/10 Now for that life lesson: I drank too much last night, and if that horrible affair taught me anything it's this-DRINK WATER! It was hot and muggy last night and I just got way sicker than I should have. So DRINK plenty o' WATER!!

Pam, relax....

[09 Mar 2007 | Friday] 

My Goddess,   Honestly, I've come to realize that the better the night we share together, the most likely it will be that you will leave my life. I understand why this is and I really have come to terms with it, in my own way. I hope you stick it out some though. I asked you what you remembered about last night for a reason, because I wondered if you knew (remembered really) how exposed I was in front of you. Underneath all of the shells and coats of jaded history, there lies one last skin, one that is made of wax, a last defense if you will. I guess I keep it around so that even those people who get close to me are still held at a slight distance. Last night, that wax film melfted away in front of you. When I told you that a tear had welled up, it's because it was true. You had reashed my core. I was scared and worried for a moment, but then knew that you wouldn't knowingly hurt me and I was okay with being there with you, completely exposed.    I know you might not be here tomorrow and I completely understand why, but I hope that you never regret any of what happened. I don't... and I want you to know that you have your talons firmly dug into me. You are under my skin and will hopefully remain there for a very long time. Thank you, thank you for the pain, thank you for the happiness, thank you for simply going out with me. I really did have a fantastic time.   And see, my Goddess, though you hurt me.... really bad, no marks! You really are good at this. hahahahahahaha And by the way, this message is for your eyes only... a private thank you... ::kiss:: ((ouch))... I really had a great time!

Ivy, II

[09 Mar 2007 | Friday] 

I keep trying to remind myself that dwelling on it will only make it worse.... ....then again, the Cure didn't have to start playing in the background at that very moment. I feel out of place, lacking, crushed in a way, missing pieces. I don't quite understand where any of this came from. Here I was, standing in my den thinking about how great it was that tuesday had arrived so quickly, when suddenly this hit. Nothing significant to remind me of yeateryear and nothing really to jump up to just say, "Hey, you're alone!" None of that crap even dared to peak its head up, but there I was. I was slumped down in a chair, watching my car get washed, thinking about times, and wondering just what had put me there. Was this regret? Was I needing, wanting, and longing for Ivy all over again? Was this my mind's not-so-subtle way of kicking me in the ass and telling me to get her back? Was that it? Is this all focused on her? I don't quite know. I do know that while talking to an ex not that long ago, I did feel.... unrewarded in a way. It wasn't like past conversations, where I could just enjoy myself. It was just peppered with that slight feeling that maybe you should be talking to someone else. So there I was, contemplating, thinking, dwelling like I knew I shouldn't, wishing I'd just crack and see her again.... but I still can't help but think that maybe this isn't about her. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe that's it. I'm not really used to this yet. It could be that, because everytime I start to dwell on Ivy I get images of her with other people probably having the time of her life. I have no place in there anymore, you know? That's likely not somewhere I'd be welcome again. God, I hate this high school bullshit. It's like I've never grown up, never left that awkward period just after 13 and... well, right up to now aparently. I hate feeling this powerless. It's not me. I should be in control, devising a plan to get out of this, doing something productive. It's tuesday. Things are good. I've only got one more day of work to go until my friday. We're almost done. The weekend will bring Narnia and time to pack. Hell, I'll be moving in like 11 days. Can you fucking believe that? This house will no longer be mine in 11 fucking days! That's just insane. Still.... what if it's her that I miss... not the lonely, not the upheaval, not the anything else.... what if it's just her? This is really going to fuck up my weekend.

Ten Bucks a Ticket Movie Reviews: 300

[09 Mar 2007 | Friday] 

Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities To those of you who may have wondered if Frank Miller could do it again after Sin City; to those of you who doubted that it was even Miller in the first place but Robert Rodriguez who carried their first outing together; hell, to even those of you wondering if 300 had anything more to offer than a little bit of eye candy... to all of you, to the doubters, to the cautious viewers, and to the jaded patrons I say you're in "for one wild night". 300 is the ferocious and fantastic retelling of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, in which 300 battle hardened spratan soldiers held their ground and eventually lost their lives in the preservation of democracy against the insurmountable armies of God King Xerxes that numbered in the millions. Commanded by King Leonidas, the paltry army of 300 spartans eventually fell, but not before killing and demoralizing Xerxes entire army so much that they eventually drove them back. Of course, Frank Miller takes his own liberites with the story, adding in his own touch of comic book flavor here and there to make the story more than just another version of the Odyssey. The art style from the comic book translates so impressively onto celuloid and truly makes this film something to behold. Couple that along with the orchestral score bleeding into hard and fast rock guitar riffs for battle sequences and the mood is never off. In fact, this film has you from its opening frame to its closing. 300 is just that damn good. As for acting, you couldn't ask for a better cast. The script is top notch. There's just so much to love here, and I haven't even touched on the adrenaline... I'm telling you there was so much man juice pumping through that audience that the entire place was hot. I mean sweaty hot. "Couples going to see 300 are going home to fuck immediately afterward" sweaty hot. 300 grabs you. It squeezes. It looks you in the eye and it doesn't let go for a solid two hours. It's the best damn movie I've seen all year. 8.7/10 Side Recommendations: Sin City