For Her*

[02 Jul 2006 | Sunday] 

You've told me that I don't really talk to you about how I feel... but at least you have this... you have my blog's to see exactly what's going on in my head (or at least, how I see what's going on around me). I think I do this for a specific reason, and that is that I don't have to rephrase things, or make them more palatable, or soften their hard edges, or simply curb them so that I don't hurt anyone. I can be free here to say what I mean exactly the way I mean to say it, and quite frankly, if you (or anyone else for that matter) gets mad it's your own goddamn fault because you took it upon yourself to step into my head. Now I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it did, and I really did. I'm saying all of this because I wanted to say something here, something that was meant for you* and really only you* alone. Maybe you'll get hurt from it or maybe you'll see that I didn't mean it to be the worst thing in the world or maybe you'll even realize that this is the only way that things can move forward, if they are in fact supposed to move forward. I wanted to say that I need you to back off some. All of this talk about love and wanting to talk or be with me all of the time is seriously making me feel very trapped and I'm getting that whole smothered feeling. Now I realize that I am to blame for a lot of it getting to this point. I was the one calling you all the time and wanting to spend so much time together. I guess I never explained (at least about the phone calls thing) that sometimes I just like to call for no reason, usually when I bored out of my skull. I hope you realize that I am giving you the benefit of this knowledge. I could have just disappeared as another did with me in the past, but I know how fucked up that can be and you don't deserve that. I hope you also realize that by asking you to take a few steps back that I am also trying to make sure that I don't freak out and walk away over something as trivial as this. I want to give this a chance to develop so that I can see what's on the other side, you know? I know you feel and awful lot right now, but I'm just not there. I'm not trying to get rid of you or ditch you, I just want the chance to see if there is something more, and if I keep feeling squeezed like this that's not going to happen. I'll back up and get out of here, because I won't feel as though I'd been given enough time to see this whole thing through. So do me a favor and try to understand where I'm coming from. Both of us haven't been spending much time with our friends and I'm sure they're starting to feel neglected. Maybe it's time we fostered those relationships. And please don't assume that I'm asking for you or I to completely disappear or anything like that. Don't take this to that extreme. I just need some room to breathe.