Time

[06 Jan 2007 | Saturday] 

Category: Blogging Recently, I've been more than a little preoccupied with Pam. I guess the jury's still out on whether that's a good thing or not. I enjoy the time, mind you. I just don't understand all of my own motivations behind this. I know that deep down, I feel a need to push for another go at a relationship with her, yet at the same time I don't know why. I mean, I honestly care a great deal for her. It's strange to say, but for some reason she is able to make me feel very good, great even, not all the time, but sometimes... mostly when she lets her guard down. I yearn for that, that sense of loving warmth, that return to home if you will. I'll never be able to explain or even understand why or how it is that she can do this when others have tried and failed and I really don't feel the need to. I just know that I like it. That being said, she does also have the very real ability to drive completely and utterly insane. I remember some of my friends commenting on how much of a drama queen I'd become by hanging out with her. I litterally went from one moment to the next like it was my last when I was in the thick of it with her... a lot like she was doing with me. She'd disect every word I wrote, every phrase I'd turn, and force me to explain myself on a near constant basis. It was an exhaustive process to say the least... and one I would walk away from shaking my head in frustration on more than one occasion. Obviously it  wasn't all bad. She was very good to me. Loving, caring, understanding, I couldn't have asked for more... and yet I did. I know I pushed her away because I was scared of the very real possibility of a long term relationship. Hell, getting close to her was hard enough as it was without having to worry about a further trek down the rabbit hole. So much of that was just new territory to me. I'd been scarred early on, and still haven't quite recovered, though now I feel as though I've been able to take some of what I'd lost back. I guess I have more than a few choices ahead of me. I can pursue this further and see where that leads me, which might not be anywhere. I still don't even know how Pam feels about that whole line of thinking. I could give this whole thing up, let what was done be done and say goodbye. I know I considered the possibility of cutting her loose earlier today... almost to say that if I couldn't have her, I'd rather not be reminded of that fact. Or I could break one of my cardinal rules and say no to the relationship and try to stick with the friends thing. It's a nice thought, but I honestly can't see that happening, not when feelings have already arisen and taken root. For now, I'd rather just put this whole thing out of my mind and sleep for a while. Oh and by the way, Pam- I do remember the night I said that I almost loved you. I remember it rather vividly, actually. I wasn't drunk. We weren't in front of everybody. We were sitting at the side of the bar (The Cave), in almost the same spot where we sat the night we ignored everyone and made out like a couple of high schoolers. Rod and Sharifah may have been sitting by us but they were about as much a part of our conversation as anyone else in that bar (read: loud and noisy place to begin with). After I said what I said, which was not easy for me in the slightest mind you as much as your friend might find it amusing, I began to furiously apoligize because it looked as though I'd upset you. I offered to take back what I said only if it would make you feel better, but only for that reason.... fact is I meant it. It was a huge step for me, which is why I was in tears. You'd broken through and I couldn't play aloof any longer. If I ask anything of you it's that you not allow them to make a mockery of my feelings. I know I'm not perfect. I'm pretty fucked up, but at least I'm trying to be a decent human being. I've made plenty of mistake in my lifetime... just, you know what I'm trying to say. Don't let them take my words out of context. Get the whole story.