Ivy, II

[09 Mar 2007 | Friday] 

I keep trying to remind myself that dwelling on it will only make it worse.... ....then again, the Cure didn't have to start playing in the background at that very moment. I feel out of place, lacking, crushed in a way, missing pieces. I don't quite understand where any of this came from. Here I was, standing in my den thinking about how great it was that tuesday had arrived so quickly, when suddenly this hit. Nothing significant to remind me of yeateryear and nothing really to jump up to just say, "Hey, you're alone!" None of that crap even dared to peak its head up, but there I was. I was slumped down in a chair, watching my car get washed, thinking about times, and wondering just what had put me there. Was this regret? Was I needing, wanting, and longing for Ivy all over again? Was this my mind's not-so-subtle way of kicking me in the ass and telling me to get her back? Was that it? Is this all focused on her? I don't quite know. I do know that while talking to an ex not that long ago, I did feel.... unrewarded in a way. It wasn't like past conversations, where I could just enjoy myself. It was just peppered with that slight feeling that maybe you should be talking to someone else. So there I was, contemplating, thinking, dwelling like I knew I shouldn't, wishing I'd just crack and see her again.... but I still can't help but think that maybe this isn't about her. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe that's it. I'm not really used to this yet. It could be that, because everytime I start to dwell on Ivy I get images of her with other people probably having the time of her life. I have no place in there anymore, you know? That's likely not somewhere I'd be welcome again. God, I hate this high school bullshit. It's like I've never grown up, never left that awkward period just after 13 and... well, right up to now aparently. I hate feeling this powerless. It's not me. I should be in control, devising a plan to get out of this, doing something productive. It's tuesday. Things are good. I've only got one more day of work to go until my friday. We're almost done. The weekend will bring Narnia and time to pack. Hell, I'll be moving in like 11 days. Can you fucking believe that? This house will no longer be mine in 11 fucking days! That's just insane. Still.... what if it's her that I miss... not the lonely, not the upheaval, not the anything else.... what if it's just her? This is really going to fuck up my weekend.