The Shambling Undead

[07 Sep 2006 | Thursday] 

I find myself getting uncomfortably close to an old flame. Sure we had a great time together and all (bad times were also present, don't get me wrong), but she's moved on. I'm happy for her and I wish her the best. It would be an excercise in futility if I gave any more attention to this situation than what I already have. What this new insight does give me is a better understanding of my current position in this, my quest to find the Holy Grail. I'm in a sort of desperation without all of the outer symptoms. If I am to be in the least bit successful in this endeavor, then I'm going to have to work with this knowledge and understand that I may be prone to rash decisions. I can't focus on one or two people just because thye give me the time of day. They may not be the right person/persons for me in the end, and giving them too much weight in my life will do nothing but alienate them and set me up for some serious pain. I've felt a bit of it already with this one girl I was talking to. She stopped talking to me, or rather didn't really start though she gave the impression that she really wanted to, and I panicked. The pangs of rejection arose and I was genuinely hurt. Think about that: I was hurt by someone I didn't even know. How sick is that? I guess I've just got to learn to cool out. Shit's going to happen when it's good and ready and me stressing over it ain't helping anyone especially myself. Sadly I can't help the occasional mental breakdown. I tend to think too much sometimes. It's all apart of the sad truth behind pisceans. We're emotional beings, and being in touch with them is also akin to letting them run buck wild every now and again. This also explains why I'm so feverent about finding passion out there. I need someone who'll embrace me as much as they embrace the world around them. The simple beauties that the world has to offer are often far more wonderful than anything found in an art museum. Tragically, or fittingly as life would have it, the people I talk to most and those I'm also attracted to seem to find me at work. I want to move in on some of these prospects but know and understand the general no-no's of that formula. So where should I look for my magnetic opposite? I tried a dating web site or two and really found that the best criteria for them assigning me my matches to be proximity more than general interests. Why should I care if there's also someone looking a block away if they share none of the same things I'm into? All I need's a chick who's into horror and appreciates the shambling undead (oh and a love of Journey and AC/DC would also sweeten the pot). So what's my next step? Honestly I don't know. I'm at a loss here. All I'm really sure of is that the prospects of me finding my one are about as remote as everything working out perfectly in the end. Nothing goes according to plan, which sadly is often what I rely on to guide me through life.