Safe Words

[13 Feb 2007 | Tuesday] 

Category: Blogging I think we should develop some sort of safe word or something... just to let you know when I need to duck out of a conversation for my own reasons. I really just don't want to keep doing this, Pam. I'm completely torn around you, trying to mix the friendship with whatever's left inside of me. I don't know when or if it'll go away or even if it should. Honestly I don't want it to. It could be a good feeling, I know it. Music reminds me of you. Daydreaming brings up pictures of your face, your laugh. I know for now, those sorts of things are bittersweet, stinging as much as they are pleasurably haunting. I guess I'd like to think that holding on would lead to something beautiful in the end, but like you say that might never happen. So I'm left wondering where I stand. Questioning my pressence in your life if all it does it bring the inevitable pain. Even stupid pop songs like this start to resonate: Set me free why don't cha babe Get out of my life why don't cha babe You don't really need me But you keep me hangin' on Why do you keep a comin' around Playing with my heart Why don't cha get out of my life And let me make a brand new start Let me get over you The way you've gotten over me yeah You say although we broke up You still just wanna be friends But how can we still be friends When seeing you only breaks my heart again Get out, get out of my life And let me sleep at night 'Cos you don't really love me You just keep me hangin'on So where do I stand? What am I to do with you? These are just the questions that I sit and ponder day in and day out. I confront you with my feelings and you throw my inability to seriously think about marriage in my face. You want a family. You want this. You want that. In fact, you don't even want them you demand them. I, on the other hand sit idly by, simply asking for a chance to grow within this. Again, these are new experiences for me. I just want the opportunity to let this seed germinate. I want to see what it could become. I know my tastes are maturing. My future goals seem to be coming into focus more and more as I get older. I not only see the path to them, but the steps to attain them. -Yet all I seem to get from you are doubting words. That I'm still the same person I was back then. I must be. I really don't know what to do with stuff like that. I want to say that you really don't know me and that doubting me could quite possibly be one of the stupidest things any person could do... but then again that sounds so childish and I'm much beyond that at this juncture. I know I have so much to make up for, though I don't ever feel like I'm given the chance to do just that. You still make the same complaints, no one there who feels you're the best and all... yet I just sit by, ignored for the most part. Screaming into the wind that I'm here. How would you feel being in my position? I've been here before, the outsider with a heart ignored. I've listened to the same stories of abusive boyfriends and attempted rapes (sadly, yours wasn't the first). I've heard them talk ad nauseum about the lack of good men left in the world. I've done so with my hand raised in the air, full of promise that I was one of the few, and have been still been ignored. This hoenstly feels like high school all over again and that's the last place I want to be, and frankly one of the major reasons I don't have female friends to begin with. You just happen to be that exception and you know why. I knew it would never be easy, but then again I didn't know it would ever be this hard. I still fear the day that I give up and move on to something mediocre, you'll be there finally ready for me. You'll keep your lips pursed and call it a loss, and I'll end up somehwere I likely don't even enjoy being. Taking the "right now" because the one I thought might be "right" walked away.