[16 Jul 2006 | Sunday]
 | So, yeah... it's been a very long time since I blogged last. That's mostly because I really haven't had much to say. Well, that's a lie. I guess I just got really lazy and busy and... shit, those things really don't go hand in hand, but that's the way it happened damnit! So here's why I'm typing this, and really I've been going out of my way to avoiding blogging about this because she* reads my blogs on a regular basis and it's not something I wanted to let her know, but it's something that's been running through my mind for the longest little while, and although I seem like this complete open book, it can be very difficult to get stuff out of me. I tend to box myself up and seldom let people know what's really going on in my head (sometimes to protect them from whatever mean shit might be running through my noggin about them and sometimes just because it's not always the focal point of what I'm thinking about at that very second. It comes and goes, you know?) So here goes. I'm... sort of... unhappy in the current relationship I happen to inhabit. I like her*. Don't get me wrong. She's really cool and pretty fun to be around. She's quite smart and it's just plain nice to have an English major around to bounce shit off of, someone that gets what you're laying down when you start talking literary crap. That's nice, but... well, there's this part of me that just isn't thrilled with the way things are going. I don't know if it's a side of me that just feels the need for resistance or if this whole thing is just moving too fast or what, but I just feel really out of tune with the way she*'s experiencing things. So here goes... She* tells me that she's dropping walls and that she feels more vulnerable now than ever and I'd hate to squash that sort of thing and step all over someone's feelings, but maybe this should come as a warning. The thing is, I have told her* that she needs to slow down a bit. It feels like she already has these high minded goals set out for us and that she's really looking forward to the future and all, while I'm just sort of cruising through and taking this entire tryst at a leisurely pace. Maybe this whole thing is getting a bit smothering for me. Let me lay it out this way. I've been seeing this girl for the better part of about two months and she's telling me: a.) She really wants a title (girlfriend etc.) in order to feel comfortable with me. b.) She's essentially planning to marry me. My responses follow as such: a.) I'm just not into the whole title thing. It really doesn't mean anything to me. I just don't get it. What's the point? Why not just be happy with the person you're with and with the way it's going? Why is there a need to add a monkey wrench into the machinery especially when you know it's something I'm not into? b.) Whoa nelly! First off, I'm not the marrying type. That's so the last thing I ever saw myself doing and to you, no less. Not to say that you're not a great person, but still, this whole thing is very new and I'm still testing the waters. Sure, I'd like this to turn into something meaningful and all, but under these circumstances, it's almost pressured to become something more involved... and that sort of situation doesn't always lend itself to creating something spontaneous and beautiful. I know she really likes me, and I do have this tendency to be amazing at times (what person doesn't in the eyes of another wearing rose-colored glasses?), and maybe she just really wants me to turn into that good thing that she's waded through the bad stuff for. If anything, I'll explain it like I have to her when it comes to just saying certain things... I'll do it when it means something to me... when it's right. Now this whole blog is not meant to be an indictment of her*. She's not a bad person afterall, and she's certainly not the antagonist in this little story. She's simply a girl that likes me and should be regarded as such. With that said... I am REALLY fucked up... Many of you know my storied past which has its fill of pain and rejection, degredation and embarassment... all the good things that foster a healthy outlook on love and realtionships. hehe (/sarcasm) So maybe it's me... I feel like I've lost that need to pursue this whole situation, simply because she's fallen into my lap and wants me to take her. It's like being in a field with your sights trained on a healthy, awe-inspiring deer and, being me, you explain to the deer that it needs to be killed by you because you're the best for the job and that you're more qualified than any other hunter and all and instead of running because you're about to blast it's little deer brains all over the foliage... the deer agrees and says, "Yeah, you're right! Go ahead and kill me." Suddenly you're not so quick to pull that trigger. So really what does that say about me? Am I just another guy who needs to constantly pursue his prey? Am I just that way that I'll never be satisfied unless the girl is always running from me? What then, what if she did? Wouldn't I just get bored and stop chasing? I've done that in the past. Why would that suddenly change now? Or am I just doomed to always want what I can't have? Access to the inaccessable as I've said it in the past. I've even gone so far as to talk to my ex, trying to get more of a perspective on the way I am. She put it quite right, she read my profile and I seemed like this completely open and free person, someone that always tells you everything about how they operate, and then you get with me and I just shut down. No information in or out, like the walls just come up as soon as I get close to that whole love and vulnerability thing. Do I really want a relationship? Or am I just too scared of really letting go? Maybe I haven't found the right person yet. Or maybe even if I did I wouldn't let them in either. This is obviously a to be continued kind of thing as it seems to be an ongoing issue with me. It's like this is the cycle I've set out for myself. Pursue girl with logic, get her, turn away from her. And maybe this all goes back to that side of me that still hates myself. I still feel like I'm that fat kid who believes people when they say I'm nothing and deserve nothing. So that when a girl turns away from me, all I can think is, "Yeah, you're right. Fuck, just look at me! I'm disgusting! Who the fuck would want me? I'm fat. I've got a small dick. I'm emotionally lacking. What the fuck is there to want?" And then when a girl does like me and gets close to me, I'm all like, "Well then what the fuck is wrong with you? How could you like ME?" So, you see my vicious cycle. I'm a great guy, when I say it, but put to the test... I think I still have all of those fucking issues from high school... man, fuck those people...how could I believe them... and why the fuck am I destined to repeat this shit...? Yeah it is me... and a little bit of her*... but what the fuck am I supposed to do with this now? How do I heal myself? What steps do I take? As I said before, I like her*. She's cool. Am I ready for this? Or is this just another bout of me realizing just how fucked up I really am?... the very core of Alex... the inescapable truth... what the fuck happened to me? Where is that little hopeless romantic now? What about that nice guy? Where are you when I'm free of THEM and have to move on to a bigger and better life? Is that part of me really dead... did I kill them... did they kill them... fuck.... fuck me. What good am I going to be to anyone when all is said and done?
|
No comments:
Post a Comment