Moving On

[06 Jan 2008 | Sunday] 

Current mood:  discontent For anyone who's kept up, or since lost track, this is my first blog in rougly a year though I'm probably seriously overexaggerating. Forgive me if I have a dozen or so misspelled words as I am typing on a new keyboard and this thing is giving me some serious problems. Don't know how many times I'll be going back to fix this or that before just raising my hands to the gods and moving on with my thoughts. So here goes, (hopefully spell check does its job) I went through a pretty decent rainbow of emotions today. It's funny now that I think about it yet somehow startlingly serious. I want to just push all of my thoughts aside and chalk this whole day's worth of thought to over-thinking, which I am prone to do. The thing about it is that I really can't help but feel that something is on the horizon, maybe a changing of the guard... Here's the thing, this morning as I was running through my errands I found myself going through about 5 christmas pressents that never got delivered. They were all for friends who hadn't come to my christmas party, which sent me down that path. I got good and set in that mire of thought. What the fuck? These were some of my closest friends, people who I know got my invitations, people who should have had the common courtesy to simply drop me a line and say, "Hey, sorry. Can't make it." Yet I didn't even get that. Now I know we are all busy. Hell, we're working adults. That's funny to say, but it's the truth, and often times friendships and relationships take a back seat to making sure we keep our heads above water. That being said, how long does it take to make a fucking call? I can't express in words how much my blood boiled over that one. I started thinking further along that path and got angrier. Why is it that I'm always the one who seems to have to extend himself to them? When's the last time they visited me for chrissakes? Shit like that digs its own holes. Trouble with all those questions is, for the most part, I was right.... right and justified until I read a recent blog. I fell on myself when I saw that, wanted to slap myself for thinking bullshit like that. Here I was being selfish when something traumatic happened, something with a bit more weight that a silly party. Don't get me wrong, I still would have liked a phone call, an email, anything... but I wasn't going to sweat it as much and I had been over the course of the day... Which actually brings me to the next step in that train of thought. As I read along, moving from anger to shock to understanding, I found myself in another place. I saw friends moving in with one another. I saw friends consoling one another. I saw friends relying on one another. At the end of that day, that is what friends do. So why did I feel like such an outsider? Basically, I was watching people moving on with their lives, traveling down their specific paths while I along mine went the other way. I honestly feel removed from some of my closest friends. It's funny how life happens like that. I thought I would have some of these people in my life for the rest of my life and now I wonder if there's any tomorrow. Now look, I'm not trying to be overly dramamtic. I know that if I got together with my friends tomorrow, it's be like old times. I'm just making very general observations here about the finite length that most people have in our lives, even those we consider family. Now I may be wrong. Shit might change entirely once I move closer to them. Turns out my girlfriend and I are planning on buying a house sometime within the next 2 years and our goal location is somewhere in the Eagle Rock, Highland Park, Glassell Park, Pasadena region. Hopefully all of these negative thoughts will be gone soon because I honestly love my tight circle of friends. Whether I see them today, tomorrow, or next month they are my blood through and through, which is why it hurts so much when I feel slighted by them. I guess at the end of the day no one can truly control where their lives take them, and as a result we move closer or further away from those people surrounding us. I just wish it was easier dealing with some of this stuff. Alex, signing off-