I Shut Down ... again...

[14 Oct 2006 | Saturday] 

Today started out to be so promising. I was going to see Pam and spend the day with her. I don't know what inspired it in me to be honest, but it was like I was becoming the person I know I'm capable of being when all of the complications of past baggage don't come into play... the nice guy, the wonderful boyfriend, the caring other-half to any lucky woman. I was all about her in ways that even I was surprised to be. I was me, the real me, the soft warm core. We were having a very, very nice time, one littered with unspent sexual aggression and a healthy admiration of the woman I care deeply for. Then she got a call from her ex. Mind you, we are in an open relationship, an open relationship that I asked for. I've blogged about my need to push the people who get closest away, and I'm sure that asking for it was only an attempt to make her leave. I knew she cared very deeply for me and I was simply feeling uncomfortable. Half of it was that I wasn't sure if I felt as strongly for her as she did for me and the other half of it was a disgust directed toward her, after all how could she like me. She obviously couldn't know the real me for if she did she wouldn't feel the way she did, so obviously she was either blind or grossly misled. In fact, none of that is the real truth. She's a great girl... a fantastic girl to be honest. It's just me, it always will be just me that has this internal drive to fuck things up. Why? Because I'm not aware, fully, of my true worth and will likely never be. So she gets the call. She talks to him and shares a witty candor, one which takes all of that pure emotion and just shoves it to the back burner. She hangs up and immediately gets the cold, apatheitc vibe. Asking what's wrong, I reply with nothing. It's always nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I'm simply dead to the world. And the really fucked up part about all this is that I asked for this. I wanted this. I wanted us to not be mutually exclusive and I haven't been. I've been out with an ex and a casual friend with benefits. I've done all that and I've come back from it. I know that what turned me around was the feact that Pam gave me exactly what I wanted. She did so with a smile and an understanding that I hadn't ever expected. Suddenly doing what I had always done, pushing her away, sleeping with other people, it all became clear, crystal clear, and when the dust had settled and my life was there before me I couldn't deny that this need to push her away was completely and totally bullshit. There was nothing wrong with her. I was just scared. I was afraid to drop my guard. I was afraid of how she might hurt me or what might happen if I allowed myself to get attached to anyone. I've always been under the belief that if called upon, I could leave everything I treasure and care for in a heartbeat. I could be on my merry way and never look back. Well then, maybe I'm coming to realize that living that way isn't healthy in the slightest. Maybe I should drop my guard. Maybe I should allow myself to care. All I know for sure, right now, is that she I heard her talk to him, the emotions brimming in me, I simply felt like all the lights in an amusement park had suddenly shut off. I was gone, replaced by the uncaring fool waiting for life to leave him behind like it's done a thousand times before. Here's hoping to more pleasent future trysts... and to maybe this current one lasting through the night. Don't ever question the fact that.... well that I care, Pam. Please don't ever question that. By the way, no, we didn't break up.