Headache

[19 Jun 2006 | Monday] 

We talked last night. It was pretty cool, but I started to realize that it was getting to be a bit too much. I even stated so last night. This all just reeks of "on the verge of overkill". So let's just back away some, give some breathing room, plus I'm getting the distinct impression that certain other things have gotten or are getting completely misconstrued. While she* and I spoke, I brought up a preference I hold in high regard(read: sexual). It's nothing new to me. I'm a giver. I love paying attention to the other person, and am not satisfied until my partner gets her own gratification. Naturally because of this, I tend to really get into foreplay. So I mention that one of my current daydreams is her paying as much attention to me as I love doing to her. Apparently she's just not used to that and needs time, which I understand, but I just get this feeling that this will be yet another way I will be accused of applying pressure to her. The last time was a complete misunderstanding, yet that didn't prevent the need for a "fresh start". This is all just screaming the fact that I feel as though I'm going to be punished more often than not for any misinterpretation of what I say or do. It's just frustrating the shit out of me, and not in the cute kind of way. What am I supposed to get out of this? How else should I read into this situation? I know she's trying. I understand and appreciate this, but I can't help the way I am influencing what is and is not important to me. Should I not tell her these things? She knows I'm going to be going to great lengths to get into the things she likes. I'm trying. I'm in a whole new world too. I like this girl. I can't help that. The thing is, if this is the way it's going to be (with her misinterpreting my motives and whatnot), then how long is it going to be before I get sick of defending myself? It's really not cool now being accused of shit I didn't mean. For instance, she read me this great mission statement. She outlined what it meant to be an educater. She spoke of passion but more of drive and realization of the path before her. I really got into it and stated so, but I gues I said the wrong thing because she thought I was looking down my nose at her. Belittling her goals in life, which is so far from the truth it's not funny. Maybe it's that she sees my own ability and gets intimidated. I'm not quite sure, but I'm the last person to shit all over someone else's work. I'd rather lend my own two cents and see how we can improve whatever it is they're bringing to me. Though I did my best to explain this to her, it still didn't stop her from throwing it in my face and reminding me of it whenever the subject of her work got brought up. I just don't know what I can say anymore without fear that it might be the wrong thing then and there. And that's not to be misinterpretted as meaning that everything I say is taken the wrong way... but... fuck, that's exactly what I mean. This is all just serves to remind me about a certain incident when a certain one of her* friends made a certain unflattering comment. I got pissed and very hurt and when I got the opportunity, I expressed this to her. She quickly explained that that wasn't how the comment was said or meant and that it was an attempt at humor (something that wasn't explained when I was first told the story, nor was the tone really there in the telling). I let it go, sure I was worked up, but I realized that I flew off the handle over a misunderstanding and I dropped it. No hard feelings, no nothing. It's just seems as though for everyone of those things I have to let go and drop, there are at least three or four instances where I have to essentially defend myself or what I said. I'm supposed to understand, she* apparently is not. You know what, I'm done with this. I'm just going to take a little break, take a deep breath, and see what happens. I'm sick of playing this role. We're both trying to please people that are ntohing like the people we've dated in the past. There's going to be friction. This isn't going to be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. So let's just leave it at that. Chill out, roll with the punches, and hope she discovers that you're just you and not someone trying to make her anything she's not. And on those things that require some change, just remember that it's all about compromises and not to be unwilling to give a little more yourself.