Dreams to believe in

[12 Jun 2006 | Monday] 

I wrote some more today. Added a new chapter to my initial novel. i really should just be through with this thing so I can move on, but go telling that to the part of my brain that demands perfection. Sadly, I know I'm capable of making this into something really special, and that's not to say that thid'll be the end-all-be-all of literature or nothing. I just want it to be special. As for my personal life, I'm debating just how different me and her are. It seems a bit off-putting when she reiterates some of the things she doesn't do which I feel should be given. Yet, at the same time, I know it pains her that though I might be the man for her there are so many things to me that completely conflict with all she holds near and dear. I really wonder what's going to happen with this whole thing. She's really cute and some days I simply can't get her face or the smile (eyes closed) she gives me when she's in my arms, completely pleased with herself. She tells me shae has these things, these goals, that she wants to accomplish and I can't help but tell her, "Go, seek, find what it is you want out of life", because that's just what I'd do. I can't imagine stopping what I want simply because I got attached to someone, which also makes me wonder if I'll ever truly allow myself to become attached when I haven't even got half of what (shit, any of what) I have set out for myself. I'm going to be published, damn it! I need that. I need to be doing what I want to do, mind you I don't fully expect it to support me, but I need it none the less. I love my friends dearly, but I think even they understand, that when it comes to fulfilling dreams, I'd even walk away from them (as I'd expect them to do to me). And that's not to be said with any lack of weight, but I know how much it would mean to them to achieve their real goals, and they understand the importance of my own to me, and it's because of that, because I love them that I'd encourage them to leave and seek out what it is they need to be happy. It's what any good friend would do. Fuck my feelings, your happiness comes first! -Which all makes me wonder... could I fall in love, would I allow it before taking other steps, other steps I need to take, first?