Oceans & Understanding

[08 Sep 2006 | Friday] 

The slight rise and fall of the waves, the sand beneath my feet. These things remain with me. It's funny how some of my most perfect days are somehow so simply attained. Good friends, the oceans, relaxing with a strange conversation, and curling up on a couch for movies to cap off the night. What could be a better recipe for happiness. The ocean remains a source of life for me. I was so scared of it for the longest time. The fear of drowning aside, I can't help being consumed with self-conscious horror at the thought of what people must be thinking when they see me out there. I carry so much dead weight on my torso that it sickens even me. I know that once my final surgery is long past, I will hopefully leave this time behind, yet I can't help but have to exist in the moment. I'm a former bloated whale given a new lease on life. The surgery changed so much for me, and with my recent alterations to my lifestyle I truly feel that there may yet be better times in the not so distant future. As for this very moment, life is fantastic. I feel as though I'm missing a key piece to my complete happiness, but concentrating only on what you don't have leads to missing all of the wonderful things in your possession. Good friends and good times are so hard to come by in the world. I know I am blessed. A friend recently commented that I was too focussed on the cinematic images of love and that my expectations were simply unreal. She went on to say that love was not what they portray, that after all of the fireworks people just have to sit across from one another and lead boring lives. The thing is I do know and understand this. I know that love will not always knock me on my ass. I know that love will not be the key to everything working out in the end. It is only another part of life. I know it isn't always a fairytale. I know all of this because I am in love, right now.. not in the romantic sense, mind you. I love my friends. I love them and it consumes me. Sure I'm not blown away by them at every step, and there are even times when I don't even like them, hell there are times when I don't even want them around, yet I love them nonetheless. Being with them makes me happy, and at the end of the day that's all I want. I want to be happy. I want to be consumed with love for a woman. That doesn't mean that my heart will always be a cup filled to the point of spilling with passion. It simply means that I will be and know that I love in return. I will be consumed by it... maybe not by passion 100% of the time... maybe not by lust 100% of the time... but consumed by love, which is a fate I hope everyone in love experiences every day of their lives.