Evaluating the Situation

[29 Jun 2006 | Thursday] 

A recent conversation basically turned my mind in this direction and I just thought that it was time that I let a little steam off and vent about my current situation with she*. I'd have to say that in general, things are good. Do I have high hopes for this one? I'm not quite sure yet. Sometimes it really seems as though we're both very different people trying to find the same thing. That we aren't all that compatible, but damn it, that's not stopping us from trying. The problem with situations like that, though is that eventually people like to get comfortable and not have to work so hard. It's only a matter of time before the relationship falls apart after that. Other times, I just try to take it as it is, but that can even be hard. She* has a real tendency to be all over the place: trying to please me, wanting me to be her pseudo-slave, pushing me away, pulling me in, making a big deal out of nothing really (though if I told her I thought it was nothing, I'd get the lashing of a lifetime). I just don't know how to take her sometimes. Today for instance, she wanted to see me, which I understand, but I was just with her yesterday, and I guess all the hanging out together has really started reaching the overkill level, you know? I want to still have fun with this girl and not just get sick of her after a little less than two months. I guess this whole thing is just a bit off. She* tells me that there was a time when she would put aside herself completely in favor of her man's wants and needs. Maybe this is re-visiting that past? I can't say for sure. I didn't know her then or if now is even close to the way she used to act. I don't know, I'm just getting that cabin fever sort of feeling. I need a little room to myself, which is actually a part of my natural personality. I want to think, sort things out, you know? Just be free to be me for a little while. But feeling that way, the suffocated thing, there's no easier way to push me away, really. No one wants to feel trapped, but we really aren't there yet. I just thought I'd say it to have it said. I guess the one thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is the concern over her* second nature. She* is into pain. She*'s the first girl I've ever dated that went that route, so I thought it'd be cool to try this out, get a feel for how the other half lives, you know? And it is kinda cool, butI really don't think I'm the sort of person who really gets into that. What more, the whole thing has me worried that it'll go too far and that I'm going to lose control one of these times. It would be so quick and so easy that it scares the crap out of me. She* goes to far and I react too quickly. Suddenly she's on the ground with a black eye or a broken bone, and I become the abuser. Me, the guy who's so non-violent it's not funny, the guy who promised himself that he'd never lay his hands on a girl in that way, suddenly I'd be labeled the batterer. I just can't have that. I couldn't live with myself knowing it was possible, and she* knows that the further she pushes me, the more dangerous things get. Sadly, it's not that long of a shot that something regrettable happens. So I guess I'm left asking, what now? Where do I go from here? Honestly, I don't entirely know. I'll obviously be hanging back a little and trying to evaluate this situation for what it is. I want to know that it's something safe for me to occupy in (if that makes sense). And maybe this whole situation is getting bigger because I talked to a friend that was in a very abusive relationship. He took it and took it because he loved this girl, and he just warned me, after seeing my very visible bruises, to take it easy on this one. I just don't know really what to do. All I know is that I don't want to do anything I'm really going to regret down the line.