[08 Jun 2006 | Thursday]
 |  First off, let me start by saying that I'm not even sure that this is the place for discussing this or even if there's something to discuss since I pretty much worked out a lot of this out on my own and with the help of my good friend, Johnny Cash. Okay, so here's the lowdown: last night at the Cave, during what I thought would be a night filled with depravity and an obscene amount of drinking, I ran into someone I hadn't seen since high school. She was a major part of my life then and really a key ingredient in the mixture that would become the recipe for how I became what I became... and I'm really not saying that in a very positive way. She was "the" girl for me, not the love of my young life, not the girl of my dreams, but rather the girl that would hurt me so bad that I would shut down completely and be unable to allow anyone to get close enough to hurt me ever again. She was that girl. Now am I saying that she was just this evil person that tortured the living hell out of me for pleasure? No. We were kids. I was stupid. She was careless and blind to the feelings I was dealing with. It was high school for chrissakes. She never knew that her behavior left me feeling inadequate and undeserving. I never thought to tell her or maybe she just didn't listen all that well. Needless to say, the whole experience ended badly. I learned a harsh lesson about people and women in general.... and really myself too. I used to be naive and unselfishly caring. I used to believe in people and used to stick my neck out for them. I used to go through life believing that the shit some people found themselves in was not their doing but something someone should help them get out of. I went through life believing that I could save people, that I could be that knight in shining armour. I don't need to tell you that all of that is a crock of shit. People get themselves into messes because they want to be there. They hook up with the wrong people because to them their the right ones. And 9 times out of 10, people don't want a savior, they want a mother fucking enabler. Welcome to adulthood, you are now apart of the thunderdome. So I run into her last night. I'm shocked and in complete awe of how she's turned her life completely around. She's good now and successful, nothing like how I would have imagined her. We talk the whole night through, about who we are and what we've done since. It's nice. She's beautiful, and I get the impression she likes me. Maybe she's finally realized all that she missed out on. Maybe she's just looking for that undying loyalty that used to be my trademark. Who knows. I certainly don't. By the end of the night, she ends up talking to some other guy. I feel like a third wheel and bolt. I just don't do the whole competing thing. Hell if she can't figure out what was sitting next to her, then she never will, right? I'm the fucking prize. I'm the gold, even if I find it hard to let people see it. Fuck, it's just burried under so much shit sometimes that I often come off as the compeltely uncaring asshole. It's why I appear aloof and apathetic to other people's feelings. It's because I scared of going through that kind of pain all over again. I was hurt. I was hurt badly. It changed me.... a lot. So now I'm left with the aftermath. Part of me wants to tell her to fuck off. Part of me wants to see where this will lead. Part of me is looking for some closure on the past, maybe even a chance to gain a bit back of what I lost. I had a chance at that before with an exgirlfriend, another one that'd changed my life forever. It was liberating. I want that. I want me back. So the question becomes, what do I do now? I think I've already decided to see it through, for even a small chance at self renewal. I'm curious about her intentions and where this'll take me. I guess, at the end of the day, this is all my fault. I thought 6-06-06 was going to lead to harmless fun. Boy, was I ever fucking wrong! haha |
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