[06 Oct 2006 | Friday]
 | I guess this all came from about a week's worth of self-evaluation (seeing where I am and should be kinda stuff), and it just dawned on me that if I am going to ever have a chance at meeting and keeping someone worthwhile, I'm going to have to figure out what bakes my noddle and what teeters my totter. You know... the ins and outs of my tootsie roll. I need to get to know me, damnit! I wish I knew all the answers of my little quandry. I'm 26 now, and I guess I just always thought that I'd have most of what needed figuring out, well figured out. The truth is, however, that I'm still left in that little backward trying to figure out why it is that I always seem to push the girls that get near me away. The funny thing is that not that long ago, I would have been clamoring for attention, any attentiong really, from a member of the oppostie sex. I was hopelessly alone with no light at the end of the tunnel and all I craved was the gentleness of a sympathetic hand or even for someone to listen to my problems for once. I didn't ask for much and got even less as it so happened. I was ruthlessly pushed aside or just ignored altogether. it got to the point that everything innocent and pure in me was maticulously getting eliminated. I grew a tough shell and, though I didn't realize it until recently, I became unbelievably distant from people I general. It became insanely hard to figure out just what was going on in my head, because for the most part I never let anyone in. I'm just that way, I guess, or maybe it's just that I keep waiting for someone to some along who has that magical key, you know? The person who knows the combination to my lock. I don't know if that person even exists or if that's even a semi-realistic expectation, but it's just what I hoped would always happen. I found that just over time I would continue to push the women in my life further and further away, which often led me to cheating on them. I guess some part of me craved that shallow excitement that was contained within the moment, but that was really only the first time. After that, cheating simply became a way of forcing a break-up or simply a way of achieving distance. It's stupid, I know, but it's just the way I did things. I want to say that I've done some growing up since those days, that I've discovered the err of my ways and repented into a more fruitful life, but that would all be a lie. I'm still the childish, socially inept, relationship-challenged stooge I was then, just now I'm older and the charm of it all is slowly wearing off. It even went so far as to the point that I was almost dumped recently by the girl I've been seeing for a little while now. Me.... I was almost dumped.... ME! Now I know this is all ego talking, but do you know how long it's been since anyone has attempted to dump me??!! Too fucking long, and maybe that's why it was so shocking. I guess I've just seen myself through so many other sets of rose-colored glasses that I was blinded to the truth that I and not the other girls I dated needed work. I mean I always knew there were a few issues left to adress, but nine times out of ten, I just figured that it was they who needed to figure themselves out first before me. -Which brings me back to the possible dumping. I can't say that I wasn't shocked by the whole thing, and I can only assume that a good side of me sought just that reaction out, but it was still took me by surprise when I heard it. I can say that the current realtionship I'm in has had it's dodgy moments with bouts of fun and just as many filled with frustration. So it's altogether possible that forcing her into a corner was just what I wanted from the beginning. I can't say for sure. I know that I like this girl... but every so often I feel just really fake. Like I'm just acting out the part of what a boyfriend should be or what a man should do in a relationship when his woman is mad at me. Sometimes when she's pissed, I really just don't give a fuck and I almost feel like asking her if she thinks giving me any sort of silent treatment or other "punishment" will really change any part of what I just said to induce that reaction out of her. Honestly, I can be a really vile motherfucker. I'm sick. -And to be honest, I'd be more remorseful if I really gave two shits. But then I slip back into the good moments... and you know, she can be really cool. Sometimes I just want to fold myself into her. I want her form to envelop me. She can be so gentle sometimes. I just, I just don't know anymore. Maybe I should start fresh and go out on the lonely trail again. If I've learned anything in this brief spell, it's that I'm a true to life hermit at heart and I just need to find someone who understands that and is likely one themselves. Maybe that's all I should be going for, but really that just adds another quality to the already grocery list length list of "Requirements of the Girl of My Dreams": 1.) Glasses 2.) Sense of humor and an understanding of my own 3.) Love or at least be willing to try out and experiment with the things I'm into (read: video games, computer shit, geek crap in general) 4.) Be independent and self motivated, quick and sharp, smart but not conceited about it, pretty but not neccesarily overly so 5.) Satisfied and wants me See that last one, I think, is what's had me push away from my girl so much. I can't get over the fact that I really don't feel like much of a man around her. She pokes at me for being affeminate and honeslty I don't see it so much. I mean, yeah I'm not your average man's man, but then again I also don't harbor secret homo-erotic fantasies which require me to seek out gay couples and beat them to aid in supressing my own needs and wants. I'm the kind of guy who's definately okay with being the kind of guy he is. I don't feel the need to prove myself or anything like that. I'm me, take it or leave it, and I just don't feel up to snuff with her. She's had better is a clever little quip that seems to run through my mind more times that I'd care to mention. I even posed the question to her if she feels we're really a good match, if we're compatible, and that didn't exactly have an answer right away. We get along, she likes me, and I can be downright awesome sometimes... but who knows, you know, we've only been together a short time. It just makes you wonder if we're only wasting time until we realize an inevitable truth. Who can say for sure? The only thing I know for sure is that I had an exceptional time with her just a little while ago when we went to the Third Street Promenade at Santa Monica beach. And yes, that is Bill Nye the Science Guy swing dancin'. That day was one of the few when I felt we really connected, but like most things in my life, I think that this was all too little too late. -And maybe not, maybe she sticks in my life and we just serve to piss each other off and annoy the fuck out of one another, ending in a bad way sooner or later. That may very well be the outcome too, and just like I said before, I don't really know what's going to happen... if she's the right girl for me or not.... if I should even be dating someone right now or not... or a million other possibilities. One thing I do know.... is that this... ...will definately be a cherished memory.
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