[27 Jul 2006 | Thursday]
 | Welcome to another edition of the Ten Buck Reviews, boys and girls. It's gonna be a good one today as we compare and contrast the finer points of two movies that, on paper, seem almost exactly the same. So propare yourselves for a nice little jolt as we review The Cave (2005) and the Descent (Us Release 2006).  The Basic Premise The Cave - A team of divers are called upon to visit a newly discovered cave system and map out its various nooks and crannies. Upon entering said cave, they are trapped and forced to forge ahead to find a way out... which cues a visit by our rather nasty monsters who decide our brave explorers would be better served as lunch than escape this seemingly unholy setting. The Descent - A group of young women decide to visit a newly disovered cave system and explore its various nooks and crannies for fun and adventure. Upon entering said cave, they are trapped and forced to forge ahead to find a way out... which cues a visit by our rather nasty monsters who decide our brave explorers would be better served as lunch than escape this seemingly unholy setting. How the Cave Fucked Up - Well at this point, everything's completely kosher. It's a decent plot for any mediocre horror film. Group of indiviuals (A) go to a location (B) and are attacked by monster or monsters (C) which should then result in a nice mesh of fun and frights. The problem becomes then that The Cave simply aims too low. It's team of rag tag cave divers are as generic as any other team of rag tag explorers, where as The Descent's team are normal people and therefor a million times easier to relate to. The Characters C - A buncha fools you couldn't care about with maybe two or three people who are actually developed into something more than set dressing. D - A buncha chicks in the same boat, three developed and three left with not a whole lot in the personality department. How the Cave Fucked Up - I really didn't even care about the developed assholes in the Cave, since they were just as bland and one sided as the rest of the cannon fodder. The Descent, however, by using real people gives you a boost in the sense that when a regualr person is killed and they act like a regular person getting killed, you will inherently care. Wow, what a fucking concept! The Monster D - I gotta start with the Descent on this one since their monsters were cool! They're fucking like mutant humanoids who've adapted to a dark environment. No other explanation is given. No DNA tests or zoological expert theories. Nothing, just short and sweet, which is how it should always be. I mean, when's the last time you went camping and were attacked by an anything and even cared what the fuck Phylum it belonged to??! If you were like me and were being bit/stung/nearly killed you'd just fucking run! How the Cave Fucked Up - Okay, so we start nice and simple: they're in a Cave, thus we get mutated huge bats. That's cool, right, and it makes sense... until you discover midway through the plot that the bats are not actually bats, but the product of an evil parasite that turns its host, people, into said bats.... because, why? Because we fucking said so, you dumb fuck! How fucking retarted is that??! When's the last time you got sick and grew a fucking tail or a set o' antlers?? What is this, fucking Pinnochio?? Did they drink the naughty booze and play the bad boy games before going down into the cave?? What the fuck, man?? Conclusion The Cave fucked up. It's not the worst movie ever made, but it just ruined it, like a guy scremaing, "Mommy!" at the point of orgasm. You feel cheap and want your two hours back after it's all done.... and maybe a towel too. The Descent, on the other hand, was fun and jumpy. Again, it wasn't the best horror flick ever made, but I had a good fucking time. The twist ending left a little bit to be desired, but it's a slight blemish on an otherwise good report card. The Cave 4/10 The Descent 8.2/10 |
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