[03 Jun 2006 | Saturday]
 | It's been about two hours since Donovan and I got a meal over at Carrows and spoke about the past night's events and basically caught up on what's been going on with me and the girl I've been seeing. I relayed most of the story while rubbing my brow and going over how I'd felt so pushed and pulled... attracted and repulsed... the catharsis of it all... and his one comment that stuck with me was, "yeah, you look mentally exhausted..." Trust me, I feel it. There are simply too many things running through my mind right now. She's infected me and is spreading throughout my body. Though some of me wants to attack her like a disease, there's so much more that sees the growth potential and realizes just what she is... a viable future. I looked at a past blog, The Springtime one, and concentrated on what it was exactly I was looking for in the girl I wanted to meet. The weird thing is this girl is almost everything I've always thought I wanted. -And maybe that scares the hell out of me. Maybe it's that I've never dealt with someone with a strong mind. She's her own person and that's unbelievably attractive, but again, like nothing I've ever dealt with in the past. The girls who came before usually fell into my arms after recognizing what I was, a wonderful man with tons of nice-guy qualities. Unfortunately they were also usually people who I felt bored with in a matter of weeks. They usually didn't have strong wills or the kind of minds that excited and inspired me. So now, I've met a girl like that. She's what I've asked for, and maybe this is a big bite in my ass from the "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it" camp. Maybe she's just a test to see if I really could handle a strong-willed girl. I really can't say for sure. Reacting to this girl has got me all out of whack. She tells me that she's not only put up walls, she's erected fortresses, and I feel it. Most of the time we're together, sitting in that awkward "okay, what are we doing?" place, I wonder what it is I'm even doing there. I don't know if she wants to hold my hand or be near me. I don't even know if she wants to be spending time with me. -And maybe it's when I sense her walls that I feel, at times, near her is the last place I want to be. I want to run screaming away from her. I've never worked this hard for a girl in my life, at least when it came to a viable romantic partner, and I guess I just want to know that it's all going to be worth it in the end. I don't want to do all of this, get close, bend myself backward, and then find out that we're just incompatible when she actually does let me in. Shit, I'd just look like another asshole who turned tail and ran, and that's the furthest thing from the truth. I wonder about all this... the thoughts tormenting me... yet all I have to do is think of that first night.... that monday night when she embraced me, when she kissed me.... it was like for that one instant, for those few minutes, she let me in... and it was warm and inviting and comfortable and made me feel so unbelievably safe... I could just stay there forever... Honestly, I didn't want to let her go.... it was that nice. I doubt I'd still be here if it hadn't been for that. Monday night actually gave me some sort of clue that there was something worth struggling for. -And don't get me wrong. I know she's a good girl, an exceptional girl, someone not unlike me. That realization keeps me going too. I keep telling myself, I'd want someone to put that level of effort if they wanted me, too. Unfortunately that just isn't the case. She tells me again and again that I'm going to have to work for it, baby. Well, what about for me? What effort is she expected to do? I'm no slouch. I'm not some poor schmuck who's desperate for anyone to show them attention. I'm a great fucking guy. So really what kind of message am I supposed to derive from that? She's worth struggling for... but I'm not? What ever happened to meet me halfway? Why isn't anyone breaking their back in two for me? It's just that odd place that opening a door for a girl puts the guy into. Someone is at a disadvatage. Me, I'm from the school of complete equality. You open the door for me and I'll sure as hell do the same for you. Considerate behavior works on a two way street, but that's not the direction I want to take this. I can't get this girl off my mind. She really is under my skin... but that's definately not to say that she has me. Today, for instance, I was getting to the point where I could barely stand her. I just wanted to be as far away as possible. The only other thing I could compare to that was when my ex got drunk. She used to pull this whole 360 with her personality the moment she got enough liquor in her and I couldn't stand it at all. I wanted out of there, even going so far as to avoid her for a whole night and refusing sex. She was the least attractive thing in the world to me during those times, and I got a bit of that today. I just needed some time on my own. I guess a person like me, someone who desires intimacy and closeness above all else, can only stand so many walls and obstructions. I'm pretty sure she got that I was pulling away and came up to me, messing with me some more until she was close to me for the next movie. Maybe she recognizes that I'm a really good guy and what I must be going through. Maybe she sees. Maybe she's knows better than to let me get too far away. I am a rare find at the end of the day. -And I know this is difficult for her too. I'm not saying it's not, but I have to live in my own head, you know? It all just makes me wonder how this is going to turn out when all is said and done. What can I look forward to, if anything? Hell, maybe I should have waited for a Cancer, someone who would understand me better. I don't know anything anymore. I'm just confused. She's great. She's annoying. I'm attracted to her. I'm repulsed by her. Are we even going to be able to really connect? Who knows? My ex called me, wanting to see me, spend some time together. It's a guranteed lay if there ever was one, but I don't know if that's what I want to do. Donovan tells me I just need to give myself a little vacation from this thing. I feel like I've been put through the wringer forever now and the funny thing is I just really met her, in person, less than a week ago! We've only been talking since mid-last week! What kind of shit is that? I feel like I've lived a lifetime in just a period of a few days. Wow, I hadn't even really thought about it like that... gees... maybe I do need some time alone without thinking about this thing endlessly
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