[19 Nov 2008 | Wednesday]
 |  You, sir, are totally bad ass I want to start by saying a few things- 1.) I've never really seen a James Bond movie all the way through (aside from these latest entries into the series - also to note, don't be so shocked. I hadn't actually watched Star Wars ep 4-6 all the way through until 2 Summers ago.) 2.) I'm sorry, but I just don't get James Bond movies. Okay, now. Calm down. I know, the hate is coming shortly. First off, I'm a critic who's never seen Sean Connery do his thing. that's one strike against me, and secondly I just called some lame ass a fag.On the first thing: sorry. Sean Connery might b0 a great actor. I've just never had the chance to appreciate him much more than his spot in Indiana Jones and Finding Forrester (a role which catapulted his career into the stratosphere with the soul-wrenching line, "You're the man now, dog!") Okay, no more of that, back to Bond.3.) Pierce Brosnan is a total fag! James Bond is just outside of my sphere. Sorry, but I'm not interested in watching some aloof douche bag alternate between lame tongue-in-cheek sexual innuendo, horrifically bad pun, and shooting a random guy. That whole mess right there just isn't my cup of tea. Sorry. Plus, Pierce Brosnan IS A TOTAL FAG. The guy's a tool. He's what lame guys the world over aspire to be. He's sad and nowhere near suave. The guy is better suited to getting hit in the head with fruit than being an international ladies man- which by the way is another reason I detest the Bond films. Any man who can be titled an international ladies man should be shot. That shit is just plain lame. Look, I'm sure there are fuckers out there who are so slick that they can get pussy on every continent without fail, but I GURANTEE YOU that none of them would ever want someone to refer to them as an international ladies man... well, maybe that super douche Mystery from that show The Pick-up Artist. So with all of that crap aired, I have to say that I liked Casino Royale! I liked Quantum of Solance! -And to top it off, I like Daniel Craig! Here's the skinny, folks: I don't like douche bags; I don't like movies with douche bags; and I don't like stories written by douche bags. I'm as simple as that. The problem with most Bond flicks is that they were too douchey. It wasn't fun to cheer for the guy that never gave a shit and never showed a single emotion. It's not enjoyable to care for that sort of guy,a nd that's the kind of guy Bond is. He doesn't care and would rather make vague references to putting his penis in vagina than give the audience a reason to empathize with him. That's where Daniel Craig's Bond is different. fact is, I've got to hand it to the geniuses behind the series. They realized that Bond was getting boring, so there decided to reboot the franchise and start from the beginning. It helps get into the stories when you realize that Bond is just a regular guy. He can fall in love. He can feel betrayed. He can get angry and want revenge. All that shit is awesome and helps me, as a member of the audience, really get into the film. Now are both movies genuis themselves? Well no, not really. Casino Royale is pretty sharp, but it runs a bit long. The casino scenes are abysmal with more straight-flushes, royal flushes, and four of a kinds popping up than STDs at shore leave in Bangkok. Plus I'd seen the parkour stuff (urban gynastics) done before and with a higher level of skill in District B-13. All in all, though it was a fun movie and made me realize that the Bond movies weren't all bad. Quantum of Solace came next, and what can I say? I really liked it. Is it the best thing since grape soda? No, mostly because grape soda rocks the cazbah. -But it's still good. The action sequences are fun and unrelelnting. In fact, you'll spend less time listening to people talk, than watching Bond run after/be chased by/shooting the hell out of bad guys in this movie. It's action packed. So with that, I bid you a fond farewell. Thanks for listening to my crap. Overall Score: 7.0 Good, not great. Check it out. |
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