You are here *

[01 Jun 2006 | Thursday] 

So where am I? This question seems to be plauging me since the inception of meeting the girl I am now talking to. I guess it's so much esier to talk than when behaving in person. Maybe it's that I really felt so warm... really embraced (something I honestly hadn't felt in a very long time)... when I held her and she me. Really, dealing with her is a stark contrast of signs and lack thereof, day to night, and I am left wondering where I am. Have I advanced? Does she like me now more than yesterday? Am I slowly becoming the "friend"? I'm just not used to this in the slightest. -And please, to my readers, don't think that I'm just this dude that just overthinks everything. I'm a writer after all and this really is my medium for venting and the one I find the most solace in. If nothing else, this is simply how I best express myself, though I really shouldn't have to say that. These are just the thoughts that run through my head at the end of the day, raw, uncensored, and far from edited. I can't figure out my place in this situation... and I can't begin to explain to you how much that bothers me. I'm the control junkie. I like having everything in neatly stacked piles, placed in order of how I will get to them. This is me. This is what I do. So to say that me having to react and exist in this situation is different for me is an under-statement. -And don't get me wrong, I don't hate any of this. It bothers me, irks me, plays with my head, and infuriates me to no end, but the thing I love about it is I truly feel like I'm evolving. I keep my circle of friends very close and often shut out a good portion of the rest of the world out. I've opened my doors for this girl and though I may have to balance on one foot on occasion, I welcome the new experience. Hell, I even feel like writing some new poetry... and I haven't had that urge in years. So am I complaining? No, I don't think so. It's just that I've never had to work like this before. Am I smitten? Again, I would have to say no. She's great and all, but maybe it's that I still feel very much on the outside, maybe I'm just waiting for that embrace again, maybe I'm keeping my guard up until she allows me in. Who can say for sure? I'm just trying to roll with the punches at this point and adjust as new situations present themselves.