[31 May 2006 | Wednesday]
 | It's very difficult to be impressed with someone. I thought I always wanted that. I needed someone I could look in the eye, especially after having dated so many girls that really felt so very dull and unappealing. I craved excitement, or at the very least someone that could keep my attention. I longed for an equal... and you know what happened? I met one... and now I'm so completely thrown asunder and off-balance I don't know what to do half the time. She really enjoys challenging me and watching me squirm in ways that are less loving and constructive and more science experiment. She prods and pokes and takes pleasure in my admissions of the painful awkwardness I experience much of the time we talk. I think she giggles in glee at the thought that most times I'm with her I feel completely lacking and inferior. I mean, here is this girl, four years my junior, and I feel like she's so many steps ahead of the game that even if I were to start chasing her I'd only succeed in catching her dust trail. It's sad and quite a shock to meet someone so put together (not to say she's got it all sorted out, hell no one's perfect), so refined. I'm used to dating slackers, girls who actually got angry with me for pushing them too hard, for wanting them to do something with their lives. So now, in the wake of another one of our... (interesting would be an understatement) ...eye-opening conversations I can't help but wonder what it is I'm going to do with this girl. Is all of this self-conscious crap just in my head? She likes me, but takes pleasure in knocking me down before I develop an ego over that fact. I obviously have her invested in our conversations. I'm interesting.... and though I hoped that she not be, I don't believe I'm a troll in her eyes. You know what it is? She's remaining in control. I've never had a girl who was able to resist my charm as much as this girl. I'm usually able to melt the women I talk to, yet this one is intelligent about our tryst. She's thinking logically, and though that is a HUGE turn-on, it really throws monkey wrenches into so much of the machinery that's worked for me lo these many years. I'm left actually having to be me, naked to the world, in her eyes. No smoke. No mirrors. No tricks of shadow and light. Just me... and that's a frightening thought. She's pressing me into uncomfortable situations and forcing me to react to experiences I've never had to deal with. I'm at such a disadvantage with her that I sometimes debate turning tale and running away. I question whether she truly is worth it at the end of the day. How well will she be able to stack up to MY ideals when all is said and done, because sooner or later I'm going to realize that it's not all about my reactions to her but also about how she is able to conform to me. The yin and the yang will be at work here if there is to be any hope of a competent and healthy relationship. Compromise will have to be priority one, and though I'm getting off at dealing with such a dominating woman, sooner or later I'm going to have to discover how well she deals with being led. So I'm left in this uncomfortable place... and the weird thing is, I like it. Maybe I will be forced to be a better man by the end of our time together. I already sense myself wanting to change my usual tactics in order to better understand her, and sadly though I feel I am going through the wringer on this, she comes off as doing everything so effortlessly. She floats into the room and scoffs at my unease and exclaims, "Pressure? Insecurity? I know nothing of these things!" Well, okay I'm over-exaggerating A LOT, but still I feel like I'm struggling while she just giggles and enjoys herself. I'm the cherished and wondeful prize here too, remember? Wow.... and you wanna know the most infuriating thing about this girl? She has me dancing through hoops and contorting awkwardly without even trying. She's just being herself. She hasn't asked me once to bend, conform, or change. She hasn't demanded the world of me, in fact she's defended me. I know she'll put me into situations I'm going to absolutely hate, and yet I can't wait to go there with her. I smile when I talk about her and love every minute she manages to catch me completely off guard. She's so cool and somehow that's the scariest thing in the world. She's not anything, yet possesses the ability to be everything. She's... well... I just don't know... I can't say for sure. Who knows if I'll be able to deal with her? I might just decide she's not worth the effort and cut it off short. I might end up in love. This is all WAY too early to tell. She's.... she's just her... ...and if I didn't already think she was so fucking awesome, I'd have been gone by now. |
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