[07 Jul 2006 | Friday]
 | Got off of work today and decided to hang out with the twins, or Donovan rather since I didn't know if Dorian would be available, and on my way there I decided to give her* a ring. I told her I could visit for a minute or two if she promised to let me go so I could see my friends. We began talking a bit and she raised a few questions that really got me thinking. A.) Am I just a sex object (beasically to do what you please with and then cast aside as soon as you've had your fill)? and... B.) Why no label? The two really tie together quite well, to be honest, and I guess they all go back to my own concerns about my true nature and really lead into some of my greatest fears, at least those connected to relationships and such. Let me start by saying that I've been in a number of relationships, but have yet to really fall into that whole love thing. It's just never happened. I thought I was getting close once, but she ditched me just as I was getting close and all but disappeared (I have to admit that I was smothering her at the time, but then again she was a really great girl, the first really great girl who'd ever come along and SHE liked me. She LIKED me. She liked ME, or at least I think she liked me, but that's another topic for another day.) So yeah, never been in love, wanted to, fuck, really wanted to, just haven't. So I start to wonder why not? Why everyone else and not me? Why do they get it? What's so special about them? And about the only answer I can come up with is that I really allowed myself to be hurt in the past. I mean, really hurt in the past. I used to stick my neck out for just about every girl that glinted a casual smile in my general direction and, sure enough, my head got lopped off every time. So I end up jaded. I end up with this calous shell around me that seldom lets anyone get close enough to truly know me. Hell, I love my friends and think even they barely get it all. I wear my heart on my shoulder, but at the same time, conceal that sonuvabitch from any girl that might actually get close enough to touch it. I don't know why I'm that way, I just am. In the end, it just makes me worry that I'll never be able to let anyone in. That I'll constantly be searching for that one thing that eludes me. I'll be looking for a love that I'll never give the chance to walk through the door. Sucks to be me, huh? So she* and I start talking and seeing each other... a lot. I feel her getting closer and needing me more than I was prepared for... and maybe I realized that she was falling right into my lap (though she*'d told me time and time again that she was a hard one to get and that it would take forever to ever get through to her, but here I was, essentially, accomplishing the impossible in record time) and it scares the crap out of me and I back away. I mean, I really back away, physically and emotionally. In fact, I almost feel myself going numb to her and that's something I really hated because it reminded me so much of me and my ex. There I was, having dated my ex for the better part of four years, and I felt as though I was stringing her along because she loved me and I just really wasn't there. Sure, she'd likely say that I was a great guy and treated her well and stuff but at the end of the day she'd likely think (if even only for a second) that our whole tryst was a huge waste of time. She* has told me on more than one occasion that she has big plans for the future and that she wants marriage and kids, two things which I'm not exactly overwhelmed with, and that I could be that person for her. I mean, we're still feeling things out, but I think that's why she is so head over heels for me, because she sees the boy for what he is, a great fucking catch... but therein lies the rub. I'm a helluva catch, I know this, you should know this, it's not big fucking secret, but I have yet to be caught (not that a whole in a condom would necessarily fix that, I'd likely just end up hating the girl and have little to no part in the life of our deception of a child). So yeah, that whole thing worries me, as it would just about anyone in my shoes. No one wants that sort of pressure hanging over their head after only knowing someone a little over a month. So maybe I'll always be scared. Maybe I'm a commitment-a-phobic or maybe it's that I just haven't met someone that's completely knocked me off of my feet. Is that how it works for everyone else? Do they all get the winded knocked out of them and realize that the person they're with is the end all be all, or is love a slow boil that takes time to grow and mature before it's ripe? Maybe it's that the first girl i got close to loving actually did knock me the fuck out. I almost fell down after our first kiss. My knees buckled. My heart pounded in my chest. I left, walking on a cloud. Or maybe I was just a different person then. Less jaded, less hurt... simply more innocent. Maybe it was my innocence that allowed me to fall as hard as I did. No one had ever really touched me up until that point. No one had showered me with affection. No one had ever really treated me like a man. Maybe it was the shock of it all that cut me to the quick. And maybe all of that was lost the moment she bailed. I just don't know anymore. Maybe I'll always be destined to seek out my Ali with an "I". Maybe I'm doomed to seek out that unreachable peak, that unattainable goal. Maybe. I'm an idealist, I know this. I just hope that those same ideals won't be my undoing. I'd hate to have it end this way, to always be that I'm never satisfied in a relationship unless I'm going after exactly what I can't have. Maybe I'm that guy: the moment the hunt is over and I've caught my prey, I'm no longer interested. Was I more interested in her* when she was backing away from me? Was I fighting for it harder? Why is that I'm "evaluating" the situation now? Is this just my pattern? I want it, get it, and then leave it alone. Me and my ex used to have all these fights while we were together and broke up a number of times. I remember crying to her, calling her back when she'd leave. Was it just that I was completely sick that way? That it was only when she was leaving me that I truly wanted her? I'd hate to think that was the case. I don't want to be that sick. I don't want to be that person. And, in fact, that's what scares me the most in life. I'm scared I'll be doomed to not want what I have and to always want what I can't have. One foot constantly out the door so to speak. Does that still make me a great catch? Don't know. Maybe it's me. Or maybe it's that I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I'm wrong about this whole thing. Maybe no one's really got through to me. I told Donovan, as we sat at the end of the Santa Monica pier, that I'm think it's that I really want to let someone in. I really do, but I don't want to let them in because I want that. I want to let them in because of who they are. I don't know if I said that right, but I hope you understand what I mean. |
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