Out in the Cold

[18 Jan 2007 | Thursday] 

Category: Blogging I went out with a few friends to Wokcano last night. It was a mixed experince to say the least. The company was fantastic, (Can't really say much about the food, because I obviously wasn't eating.) but I don't know... I guess I'm not here to blog about how funny Niki or Robert or Patti was. Ther were great mind you. Salt of Earth sort of people, but I guess everything seems to go back to Pam at some point or another. In this case, I believe it's a little more than warranted since we spent a good portion of the latter part of the night in my car talking. It's hard to really figure the situation out, though for the most part I've tried not to. I decided to give her her space a while back, and I truly meant it. I know what it's like to be where she is (not exactly, but the generaly feeling), and I know it's not one to be rushed. I just wish I knew how to lend a helping hand. You see, Pam is more of a people person, an extrovert, while I'm the introvert. I know how I dealt with my situation, but in my case I just internalized everything. Sure, it was a chance meeting that kind of helped me really move along, but I had to deal with things on my own. She on the other hand, I feel in my heart of hearts, could benefit from just the right word, and here I am the wordsmith having gone through a similar situation and I haven't a clue what to say. I feel pretty powerless at the moment. That being said, last night I also realized that I'd likely never be forgiven for what happened during Pam and my relationship. Funny thing is I've probably apologized from the bottom of my soul a dozen or more times to her and to me it seems like I'll never live it down. The thing is, I get it. I'm not stupid, and being in her situation, I likely wouldn't trust me either. I did some fucked up shit back then, I didn't appreciate her like I should have, and I took our relationship for granted. I don't deserve another chance. She's just protecting herself from more heartache. Still... ...you know, I won't even say it, because they'd just be words at this point and words don't mean shit. If Pam wants to try again she will. If she doesn't, she won't. I'm just going to leave it at, but still... If anything irked me about last night, it came at dinner. Pam mentioned a certain ex of mine gallavanting around with a certain couple of noteworthy people. For one, if she did truly believe that H- and I were a couple (Man and Wife as she likes to say) then the catty tone of her voice implied nothing but petty vindictiveness and hurtful intent albeit intent fueled likely by her own possible jealousy and/or past pain creeping in. Two, she doesn't believe we're together, but that I don't know about it and then tries to use this as a wedge to drive between us. Both scenarios don't really show Pam in the best possible light. Fact is, I don't know. I'm not going to analyze this to death. I hate doing that shit. I do know there was a tone in her voice that I didn't like, and one that I'd never really heard before. That being said, I still kind of understand where this all comes from, which is not to say it's immediately excused, but just that I'm trying to see this from all sides. I guess that's all for now.