[23 Mar 2007 | Friday]
 | Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities It seems the more things change, the more they stay the same boys and girls. I went to see two semi-highly anticipated flicks this weekend, TMNT Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (a name I still can't say with any speed without having the words muddle together like I have a mouth full of peanut butter) and The Hills Have Eyes II. Now some of you may already be wondering about the title of this post. You're looking at me with a slight raise of your eyebrow and you're about to ask me, "Alex, you mention a retro flashback double feature? Is that a reference to The Hills Have Eyes being a remake?" My answer: NO! Boys and girls, there's a cameo from a world renowned star of stage and screen in The Hills Have Eyes II who hasn't seen the light of day in almost three decades, but you're going to have to wait for the review to find out who that person is! So without further adieu...  Your favorite foursome are back and they're better than ever in this, they're newest cgi adventure. Geared toward children and those of us still living in the mid-90's, TMNT tells a story that takes place a few years after the defeat of the notorious Shredder. The turtles have splintered (horrible pun, I know) as a group and gone in their own directions though retaining the same underground domicile. As an ancient power looms in the distance and threatens not only New York but eventually the world, it becomes incumbent upon the turtles to repair their severed bonds and stand up for justice and all that is right. Look, you already know the story. The characters are here. Raphael is the hothead that hates being told what to do (and just like the first movie, ends up quiting the team at some point... hope that didn't spoil anything for anybody). Michaelangelo is the big kid, and my old personal favorite. Donatello is the computer nerd and works part time doing tech support, therefor he is my new favorite turtle. Which leaves us with Leonardo who stands as the conflicted leader, our glue meant to hold the four together. The Foot Clan make an appearance more so as cannon fodder, but really did you expect them to be anything else? We've seen this all before. What you're dying to ask me is, "Was it any good?" Truthfully, I gave you that answer in the first sentence. The flick is great. It's fun. It's full of action. It's jumpy. It's action-y. It's not Shakespeare. It's not meant to teach you any of life's big lesson's, but it will give you a little bit of a mid-90's hard on. Just do me one favor... don't see it in Orange County. I saw it there and that place fucking sucks.
And done. See TMNT. See it because you loved the cartoon. See it if you loved the comic. Don't see it if you want something serious to expand your mind. As long as you don't go in with high expectations, you'll have plenty of fun. 6.9/10 Side Recommendations: Disney's The Wild (Went largely unnoticed but pretty damn funny nonetheless)  So if you're like me then you saw The Hills have Eyes (2006) for its sheer brutality and insanely awesome makeup effects because honestly that's about all it had going for it. Look, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always looking for brains and beauty in every woman that I meet. Sometimes you just want a smokin' hot chick with not much under the hood because you just feel like cruising in auto pilot. The same goes for movies every now and again, which explains my love of Over the Top. Now back to the topic at hand: in a world where not every movie has to be an Oscar winner, how does The Hills have Eyes II hold up? Not well at all, I'm sorry to say... sorry mostly because I had to sit through this bundle of mediocrity. Let's start with the story. We begin in Sector 16, the site where our first film took place, a desolate former military testing ground for nuclear devices. It's since been the home to a new batch of infrared tests, but as this new group of scientists are in the process they are mysteriously murdered, unbeknownst to a group of young National Guardsmen who are in the process of delivering supplies. What follows is actually a rather sad and pretty damn racist series of events that is in no way scary since anything that's supposed to get you, you see coming from a mile away and the only things to do make you jump only come at you in the form of cheap jump scares (ie open the door, OH NO BATS!) bullshit. I guess what got me the most pissed off was how lame each of the mutant were. None of them had any real personality and it actually had me pining for the good old days of the first Hills have Eyes, and that's a sad sad statement. Seriously though, when all you've got for characters are the old guy with glasses, thin guy who likes to wear uniforms, jumpy guy in rocks, think guy who looks like rocks, and sympathetic mutant (who's sympathetic for no reason whatsoever) you know you've got a problem on your hands. Acting was lame too. Most of the soldiers were phoning in their performances and what's worse the film was filled with a bunch of ethnic stereotypes. You had the angry Mexican who couldn't control his temper, the black guy who'd killed someone, and the level-headed white boy who was there to help them both out. In fact, upon further examination there are so many stupid logic holes in the plot that it just makes you want to bang your head against something hard and sharp. The Sgt. at one point tells his soldiers that he wants them to load as if they were going into combat (i.e. weighed down) but then only instructs them to carry one magazine of bullets each. In another instance, when all of the grunts are aware they are under siege by mutants and that the girls are their prime targets, one of the girls goes off BY HERSELF, to pee. Look, I'm all for privacy, but fuck that. I'll drop trough in front of strangers and live rather than hide my goodies and die. **WARNING -- SHIT AHEAD IS EVIL -- WARNING** So I've made you sit through my ranting for long enough. I can see you demanding to know, "What the damn secret of The Hills have Eyes 2??" Okay, to prepare you for this one, I first need you to imagine one of your most beloved childhood characters doing something unforgivably gruesome. Imagine Snarf from The Thundercats shitting into Panthro's gaping head wound, mixing it in blood and brain, and then feeding the mixture to a masturbating Mumm'ra. Oh shit, that was fucking horrendous, but I'm just getting started. Imagine Astro from The Jetsons digging his teeth into Judy's bloody vagina, tearing out chunks of flesh. Okay, maybe now you're ready........Sloth from the Goonies.... dripping thick white animal lines of drool from his maw, pounding like a drum into a tied down 100 lbs Puerto Rican girl while she screams and cries for mercy. Grunting, "Make me baby", in some sweaty underground third level of mining hell.... I do my best not to laugh... because it's fucking Sloth. I mean, yeah, it's terrible. Rape. Rape is horrible. Especially this level of graphic simulated rape, this is just fucking brutal... ...which brings me to another point, The Hills have Eyes II has crossed a line that I never thought I'd have a problem with and that's being brutal for the sake of being brutal. I'm sorry, but rape is not something you put into a movie just for shock value. It should have a reason for being there, to prove a point, send a message, or something, anything. This, this is just fucking retarded and is just the kind of crap that some sick asshole is just going to end up using as jerk off fodder later on down the road. Please people, if you're going to do something, do it for a fucking reason. ...but again... it's Sloth. Fuck, half the time I was for him to yell, "Hey you guys!" and save the fucking day. Needless to say, it was distracting.Final verdict? Hills have Eyes II wasn't horrible. It just wasn't any good. Nothing was special about the movie. It was so damn mediocre that had I paid to see it, I might have been mad at myself. Fuck, had that been anyone but Sloth banging away at that girl in the end, I really would have killed someone! If you're determined to see it, rent it. It's worth it to see Sloth getting slammed in the balls by a sledge hammer. I will say that. 4.3/10 Side Recommendations: The Descent & The Feast Correction: John Matuszak, the actor who portrayed Sloth, actually died in 1989. The bastard in The Hill have Eyes II was just trying to look like Sloth, which is a hundred times worse!! How could they desecrate the memory of my beloved childhood hero??!! Don't worry, big guy. I still love ya.John Matuszak RIP 1950-1989 |
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