Pesimism as a Good Thing

[31 May 2006 | Wednesday] 

Tonight was a total repeat of the whole Victoria situation, which if you know the story means so much. Let me preface this with a little background on Vic and what our first date really meant to me. So Victoria changed my life. It's as simple as that really. Our little tryst was fleeting at best but really was the most influential portion of my young romantic life. We met online through AOL personals, I believe, and spoke for quite a little bit before meeting. She was cool and all so I was really looking forward to our first date. I met up with her at a friend of her's house and she immediately greated (sp?) me with a huge hug and a wonderful smile. The whole rest of the date was filled with her being close to me and essentially showering me with attention which up until that point I thought was impossible. I guess, at the time, I was convinced by what others said to me (through mostly non-verbal manners). I was nothing, incapable of being loved, and just another fat loser that nobody would ever take seriously (at least relationship wise). -And then comes along this girl and she's cute! And she likes ME! Who woulda thunk it? I was shocked to say the very least. She was touching me, really all over me, treating me like a man, and that whole thing just contradicted everything I'd been told. I really can't say enough good things about her and if you're reading this... "Thank you, Vic. Thank you so much. You'll never know how much that time together impacted me. You'll never understand all you did for me. Thank you. Seriously, thank you." The true moment of that date came at the end though. See, I had all but convinced myself that I wasn't going to get a kiss. The date was going great, but that little pesimistic bug in me told me that I shouldn't hope for too much. This was enough. She had been so great to me, why build it up too much and hope beyond hope. Just live with how great it is and look to the future. So I told her, as we were saying our goodbyes, "I know you're probably not the kind of girl that kisses on the first date...", and this smile came over her face. It was probably the most beautiful thing I'd seen and she leaned forward and gave this kiss that all but knocked me off of my feet. I was floating home that night... So to get back to tonight. I went out with Pamela and she was cool and independent and able to take care of herself. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable as I listened to her chat it up about past sex experiences and ones she looked forward to with other people (I really don't know where that's all coming from. I mean it's not like I'm her man or nothing, but maybe that's just me. I'm so used to being the one and only for the girls I'm with, but fuck that. I just met this girl and it makes no sense to demand that she be someone else completely. We haven't even reached that point). -But as I was saying, yeah, she was really cool. She talked and that was really cool. The last girl I dated was such a wallflower when it came to hanging with my friends, so it's nice to see that drastic change in someone else. So anyway, I guess I just thought that our "date" was going nowhere. Hell, I even started drawing away from her as we ate. I was just saying to myself, I'm just going to end up the friend, and I can't have that. Maybe it's best I cut my losses here and shut down completely. So I drive her home.... and we hugged... and I can't even begin to explain how good that felt. It was just... it was just awesome... I wanted to stay there and just hold her. She felt so good in my arms and then she kissed me. Here I was, telling myself that this was going nowhere and would likely end up as another bout of wasted time.... and she kissed me. I was on a cloud as I watched her walk away. I guess I just always have that penchant for slipping into my loser, bad with women, thing. I always criticize myself so much, thinking that I'm just boring the girl to tears and that she can't wait to get out of there and be home... but then she kissed me. I don't know what more I can say. I want to get to know her so much better now, because I guess I really don't know everything. and for at least this girl, I'm totally clueless. Who knows if i'll ever be able to read her, and for that matter why should I care to? I'll let her tell me what she's thinking, and I guess I'll promise myself to believe her when she tells me she's having a good time. Pam, I had a really great time and I can't wait to see you again. It was all very nice...