Consumer Whore now with Whitening!

[04 Jul 2005 | Monday] 

About six months ago, The Coca Cola company debuted a new take on their old formula. It was essentially Coke, but with half the sugar. So rather than making die from diabetes in six months, you'd go in twelve! Yes! Deemed Coke "Half" or Coke "Not so Deadly" or Coke "Less Shitty Shitty", the product was heralded as one that would free people from their ordinary, run-of-the-mill, oh-so-boring-without-the-latest-Coke-product lives and was thus reflected in their subsequent advertising. Accompanied by Queen's "I want to break free", regular folk like you and I just cut loose in their go-nowhere jobs and simply gave a big "thank you" to the Coca Cola company for their wonderful awe inspiring new drink. "Bless you Coke, you fill my life with wonder and cream-filling!" So yeah, unless your sarcasm detectors are on the blink, you know I hate that sort of shit. In fact, in theatres where I saw the majority of those ads running, I could be heard screaming, "It's only goddamn soda!!" Of course, few people really understood that as they had already been mesmerized by the pretty colors and dancing grocers. I just really think this whole world would benefit from some people, if not the good majority of us, simply being able to stand up somewhere, anywhere and scream, "Bullshit!" One simple word and maybe, just maybe, people might snap out of their haze and realize it too. There might be seas of people chanting Bullshit! at the next Ashton Kutcher appearance! Mobs screaming Bullshit! the next time George Bush junior proclaims that we took out Sadam to protect freedom, or that extending the Patriot Act will make us more secure, or that Ohio really did vote his way! (God, I hate that man.) Imagine the consequences! People might stop seeing crappy movies! Politicians might never come out in public again! Paris Hilton could be brutally stoned to death for being a goddamn whore! (Hey, I'm not saying I'm some sort of religious zealot or nothing, but we've got to draw the line somewhere! Think of the children!) The Bush crime family could be pelted with animal feces! Fred Durst might never have gotten past his first concert! So you probably see my point. All it takes is for one person to stand up. One free-thinking individual is all we need. Someone who notices that during a retarted movie they try to sneak in a surprise, M. Night Shyamalan (Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs) twist without any foreshadowing(No it's not this way, it was that way all along), and jumps up, screaming "That's a load of bullshit! It doesn't even make sense!". Or someone else to turn around in church and berate the lot of the paritioners for being roulette believers ("You're only here because you're scared of buring in Hell and you'd rather bet on black and red than just think for yourself for once!") That's all we need. Just one voice and maybe the next time that voice jumps up, it might be joined by another and then another. We could finally be free. Free from anti-drug, and anti-smoking legislation. Scientists might finally admit that, "Yeah those things kill you, but sometimes you gotta pay for fun with years off your life. Think of it this way, would you rather live to 150 and never do a damn thing, or die at fifty having lived the Hugh Hefner life? Just look at the grin on that codger's face and compare it to Jerry Fallwell and tell me there's even a choice, damn it!" So please people, call it like you see it, and give the rest of the world a great big "BullShit!" from time to time. Lord knows, if we don't, the republicans win. "They're freedom haters. We're freedom lovers. Don't tell Canada."