Back for good?

[31 Dec 2005 | Saturday] 

This is me.... lingering.... Where do I start? First off, I haven't been online in quite some time because of the big move I spoke of a while back. As it turns out, Verizon sucks when it comes to timely service, so when you see those bullshit comercials where the person with Verizon has a whole shit load of people behind him, don't you fucking believe it. As it happens, I'm going to have to wait until Jan 4th to get online service at my new home. You may be asking yourself, "But Alex, it isn't the fourth yet. How are you online?" To that my reply would be, I'm stealing this connection, so shut the fuck up about it already! I'm litteraly pilfering this from some poor schmuck with an open wireless connection. Thanks whoever you are. I mean it. I almost died without my conduit to the rest of the world. Needless to say, this connection will also be unreliable, so if anyone needs to get a hole of me then just fucking call. Urgent messages should not be related to me via myspace. Next order of business: Robert turned the big 3-0 and we all celebrated on tuesday at Clancy's. Great place, though a bit pricey. Had a decent time, though I felt a lot weird since my ex was there and I spent about the whole night wondering how it is that I should act. Do I go about this nonchalant? Why am I feeling this strange anyway? It's not like she's a fucking bitch that I'd rather not ever spend any time with. She's cool and ultra-nice. So what's up with this feeling? I wrestled with those same thoughts all night and paritally into the next day before it hit me that my feelings were still there. I cared... very much for her and it wasn't something that I was comfortable being able to express especially since we could no longer be. The whole thing just put me in this weird head space. I kept wondering if I should struggle, or whether this would all just be fruitless in the end. Was I struggling for nothing, or was this all in the service of a prize worth winning? Honestly i couldn't tell you what I was feeling. I have very deep feelings for Pam. One could say that I was on my way to falling for her before we fell apart. I guess at the end of the day I'm just trying to figure out just what it is that is going on in my head. Pam can drive me insane. I was visibly depressed when I was with her, drawing concern from some of my friends. To other people I became a complete drama whore. I did all fo these things that are not common for me, and yet through it all I still wanted her. Maybe it's an unhealthy obsession with a girl that will do nothing but hurt me, and maybe I just seriously care for a girl.... and I just don't know how to react.