a dilemma

[07 May 2006 | Sunday] 

So, here we are. We haven't really spoken in months. What was once a decent friendship has dwindled away into nothing more than casual relationship, at best. We're co-workers, not even good co-workers. We're the co-workers that pass each other during shift change with a polite greeting and the occasional smile. Maybe fondly remembering what it was like to work together at one point or another, have funny conversations, but really nothing more. Do you realize this? Do you realize that we don't talk? Do you think you know why? I remember one of the last times we really got into it you were crying on my shoulder because someone really close to you, a good friend, had cut you off, essentially broken up with you. They were telling you that, regardless of all the things you'd admitted to them, it didn't matter. That they just couldn't deal and had to get out, whatever the case may have been. I don't quite remember. -But here you were, crying on my shoulder because you had exposed your soul to them, you'd revealed yourself to them, and their basic response was "too bad so sad". None of what you had said or done was enough. I just remember looking at you with such disdain. I couldn't believe you were crying on my shoulder, my shoulder of all people, about this. -About them turning you away when you exposed yourself. Did you even realize how fucked that whole situation was? That I was supposed to pity you or at least show compassion for you... when obviously you hadn't done the same for me. I wasn't even worth consideration, really. -But I'm supposed to sit there and care for you, to worry about you and how you feel. You know, that whole time sitting in my car, the only thing running through my mind was, "Welcome to the fucking club." I think the worst thing you could have done, as it applies to my personality at least, was to do what you did. You said no. There would be no chance whatsoever. I mean, that was the worst possible thing for me. I'm the sort of person that absolutely hates it when people try to box him in, tell him no beforehand, limit his options. I mean, you never were meant to be my one and only. Personally, I just wanted to know that the door was open, that the possibility still honestly lingered in the air, even if I never asked for it, which likely would have been the case. It was knowing that I wasn't... I don't know, that horrible, that out of bounds... because honestly that's the way it made me feel. I was beyond caring for, no matter how you phrase it. Telling me no beforehand, what else can I draw out of that aside from an utter and complete rejection? How am I supposed to see that in a positive light? How am I supposed to fucking deal with that? Here you are, on one hand, singing the merits of Alex and the wonders of the man that he is, and when pressed you crumble like a house of cards. If someone played you that way, you'd be left wondering what was wrong with you, regardless of the truth of the situation. The worst part is... you didn't have to live up to any preconceived standards. I accepted you... though I guess that favor wasn't returned. Sometimes you just need to know that the door is open. That it's a possibility. Who knows if either of us would have ever acted on it. -But then knowing that the door was shut from the the first moment, I honestly couldn't deal with that. Why do you think I had to leave? Why do you think I needed my space? In the end I realized that I'd been here all along, standing by your side, supporting you in the worst of times, because I felt that you had truly seen me. You had seen what all the others had glossed over. That all of you words about what you saw came from the heart, and you can fight me on this, but your actions kind of speak otherwise, now don't they? I was the perfect man... until I wanted to be your man. I had all the qualities you wanted in a person, until I asked if you wanted them. I wondered if the door was open and you slammed it in my face, gently though you tried. That's what I have to deal with day in and day out. And honestly that'd why we don't see eachother too much anymore. In fact, that's likely why we're not going to see eachother again. -Addendum 5/18/05- This subject started in my head again. I guess I like to converse with myself whenever I'm alone, questioning my own actions, how I handled things, and since I'm likely to see you tonight, it all came up again. The reason I backed away the way I did was because you, of all people, turned out exactly the way they all had. You'd be kidding yourself if you thought that I'd never had a close female friend before. You'd be kidding yourself if you thought that you were the only one that had been my compannion for a long period of time. -And you'd be delusional to think that your response was any different than the kind, soft-hearted ones they gave me. Truth is, all of my friendships with women have either ended one of two ways. Either our outcome or I see the light and completely cut off the girl that way. That's it. -And maybe that says chapters about me and the way I operate. I know I could be wrong, and that this all may just be a phase. Hell, I'm not above reproach, but not you or anyone else can argue with the pain I went through each and every time. So, goodbye. It was nice. This isn't to say that I think you're a horrible bitch or anything. I know you're a good person and a very reliable friend. It's just that, as it applied to us, you simply turned out to be average... and that hurt me more than you could ever imagine.