In my own words...

[23 Oct 2005 | Sunday] 

There's just this thing in me, these feelings that I just can't easily explain. I don't totally know how to understand them. I want to say something. I want to label them and be done with it. I don't want to dwell so much. I just want to say, I want to have them be understood by the one person I want to say them to. Why is this so hard? Why am I so afraid to just open up, even if it's only for those few moments when I say what it is that I feel? You know why? It's because I understand the HUGE cocepts behind it. I understand the impact and to be quite honest, I'm just not comfortable with them. Maybe I've blown them way out, making them bigger than it should be. I know that's a large part of it. Pam, if I told you what it is I'm thinking of telling you, I wish you'd understand that there is a lot of me that doesn't mean it completely in the way that really is my own, a reserved portion of my soul that's still so scared of being exposed. -But really that's not to say that I don't mean it. There's a world of emotion there that can't easily be labeled or explained. It's there, and I want you to know it. It's for you and because of you afterall. You should know how I feel. I just wish I could say it and not have something monstrous made of it. I would just want to say it for the fact that it's said, not to say it so that I could get some sort of response, but just to have you know because I feel it. I mean it..... in my way, my own way, and no one else's. It's that cliche that I wish wasn't one, because really it should have more weight than "a penny saved is a penny earned." It should be so much more than that, but then it should be less because it's mine, my way, simply that....