"Profit from Pain" or "Why the Movie Industry is Responsible for My Inflamed Anus"

[21 Aug 2005 | Sunday] 

Let's just say that I ended up seeing one of the worst movies I've come to witness in my short and sheltered life. On a positive note, I saw the smoking piece of warm crap for free, on a negative note, I will forever be robbed of those two hours and never be able to look out on the world with the same child-like innocence. Thank you movie industry, thank you for taking from me the one thing modern science of probing tools could not... my cervix. So with that being said, I present to you the top 5 all time worst pieces of crap ever squirted from the unholy uterus of the movie industry (in no particular order)!! So for my first point of order:  Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo Summary: Adam Sandler's production company Happy Madison decides to put out another award winner in Deuce 2. It seems that the first film was kinda funny, but seeing as how they also made The Animal & The Hot Chick, more than a few of us should have been a bit sketpical. Actual Excerpt from Production Meeting: "Hey guys, you know what we need to do?" -"No Bill, what??!!" "We need to pump out a sequel to Deuce!" -"Just a sequel, Bill, how is that going to be edgy and hip for all those young people? You know those young people with their cellular phones and their baggy pants and Brittish Knights, they can't get enough of the edgy." "I already thought that through, Douche Bag #1. See, my plan is for us to make a movie featuring the same lame jokes and gags, but just without of the funny stuff that made them enjoyable in the first place!" -"That's genuis, Bill! Now may I suck your left nut?" "Yes you may..... ooooohh...... aaaaaahhhhh.... yeah, like that baby.... no, no, no, no teeth baby, just lips.... oooooohh." Dude, Where's My Car? Summary: The guys behind Harold & Kumar (which was hysterical by the way) accidently submitted one of their worst scripts while high, as a gag. They were actually trying to see what kind of rejection letters they could get back as they thought that would be funny. Turns out, Hollywood is really lame and bought the idea hook, line, and sinker. Actual Excerpt from Production Meeting: "Dude, I can't believe they bought it!" -"I know, I know, this is so freaking Outer Limits!" "Dude, are we high?" -"Dude, I don't know." "Dude, did you just fart." -"I'm not sure, but this is freaking awesome! Did you get your paycheck in the mail yet?" "No, not yet... but hey, dude, could you like do me a favor?" -"Sure, whatever." "Could you fuck me in the ass again? My ass is less sore now and could use a few extra inches of your hot man love." -"You got it, baby. Need some lube?" "Nah, ride that shit bare back, bitch!" Austin Powers in GoldMember Summary: Again, logic dictates that if the second film was less than the first and people still saw it, then just feed the mindless mass another helping and this time test the theory that people are basically quite stupid and will buy into anything as long as you attach a few crappy catch phrases to the whole mess. Actual Excerpt from Production Meeting: (Sounds of rough gay male sex and moans) "Just keep spewing 'Groovy baby' and they'll never question how bad it really is!" (More man on man action and more moans) Resident Evil: Apocalypse Summary: Paul Anderson did it. Actual Excerpt from Production Meeting: "This is so fucking extreme! Hand me some Mountain Dew so I can amp up my extreme levels!" -"Fuck yeah, this is extreme wooohhoooo!" (Silence) "Hey Paul, are we assholes?" -(Long silence) "Yes, Mike. Yes we are assholes... extremely rich assholes!!" "Fuck yeah baby! People will watch anything!" -"And like it, bitch!" "Where's my fucking Mountain Dew??!! I specifically asked for Mountain Dew!! I can't let this extreme high fade!" -"EXTREME!" "EXTREME!" -"By the way, did you think it was racist to make it that the only 'normal' black character in the movie carried guns, custom made guns no less? I mean what kind of message are we trying to send: that all black people are criminals since they apparently are all packing?" "That's a good point Paul. Yes, I do believe it is racist.... but fuck that man, Racism is fucking EXTREME!!!" Uwe Boll in General Summary: He made House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark and soon to be released Bloodrayne arguably some of the worst garbage ever shat onto the big screen.... and Hollywood CONTINUES to give him money!!! Actual Excerpt from Production Meeting: (If there were a God and justice ruled supreme then every one of his feature commentaries would begin and end this way:) Uwe- "I'm sorry.... no really, I'm sorry. It's just that they keep giving me all of this money even though I know most film students have expelled better material at the climax of a wet dream. What am I supposed to do? Turn the money down?? Are you insane? I figure I might as well ride this bitch for as long as it'll take me and hopefully I won't be stoned to death along the way." (Long silence) "Oh yeah.... sorry, this part is about to really suck. Get ready for it. Fuck! Even I didn't anticipate that one sucking that hard. Fuck, am I a bastard or what? Fuck, sorry man. No, I really mean it this time, sorry."