Trepidation

[24 May 2006 | Wednesday] 

Do you know that point? The one where you tell yourself that you won't get your hopes up, the one where you somewhat dash all of your cynicism and jaded sense of being because you think that something is going to change? Do you know that point where you start to believe in someone even though everything in your being is telling you not to? Do you know that point where you even surprise yourself? You thought that you'd always be calloused. You thought you'd always remember the pain that they delivered to you. You thought hope was just another four letter word. You thought you wouldn't fall into the same goddamn hopeless trip that you were locked into before. You thought all this and still you find yourself in the same place awaiting what will likely be another disappointing result. Do you know that point? I hate believing in people for this very reason. I hate believing in love, the existance, the attainability. It just fucks you all up and has you doing stupid shit that you know you'd kick yourself for if you were just in the right mind. -And the worst part is this isn't even love, you know? There are no incentives here. Nothing to seek out. Nothing promised. It's just the motherfucking hope that gets me everytime. I kept telling myself that I wouldn't end up here again. That I wouldn't give up the power. That I would think logically from now on because at the end of the day that's the only thing that keeps you sane. So why now am I on the short end of the stick? You know why. You're fucking insanse, that's why. That's the pure definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's all this is. Expecting people to be better than they are, than they've always shown you that they are, is insane. I should forget all about this and cut my losses. There's just no point. -but.... what if.....? Currently listening: Pop Killer By Wolfsheim Release date: 19 October, 1993