[28 May 2006 | Sunday]
 |  I see you, baby... shaking your ass.... shaking your ass... sorry, I was just trying to think of something slightly less terrible than X Men: The Last Stand. Yeah, sorry to all you people who might have liked the piece of waste presented by acclaimed director Brett Ratner. I know you're as shocked as I that the brilliant talent that brought us both Rush Hours could be even capable of offering up a creation, dare I say, the equivolent of celluloid constipation. It's impossible, completely improbable, but alas I speak the truth. There, there sweet child, all will be well as I hear that a third Rush Hour will be coming to us soon to return Ratner's good name to the position of high esteem we all hold him in. Okay, yeah, so you get my point yet? The movie was bad, real bad. Surre it wasn't Manos: The Hands of Fate bad, but still.... it was still pretty bad. I can't even imagine the board meeting that must have conjured up the strocious piece of filth that I was forced to sit through. "Hey, I got it! We kill off a ton of major characters, then we'll omit even more, so that by our finale we're left with a hodgepodge of B-level mutants to enter into our most demanding of battles! It's brilliant!" So here we go, SPOILERS be damned! Cyclops dies in like the first ten minutes, Prof. X wasted not too long after, and Night Crawler is a total no-show. The final team becomes Wolverine, Collossus, Shadowcat, Ice Man, Beast, and Storm. Yeah, that's it. The X Men, in comic form, was a group so big at one point that they had to be seperated into two teams and were given two seperate comic book lines. Now, all we've got left are 6 people! Now, I'm not saying that's all Ratner's fault. Bryan Singer definately had his part to play when he conveniently forgot to develop any major sife characters. Fuck, even the bad guys got little to no help. They were forced to go with the Multiple Man and Juggernaut, who by themselves aren't all together terrible, but when you bring about all of the possible people they could have picked.... well, you know where I'm going with this. No good good mutants, and not enough bad mutants = not a very good movie. Fact is, most of the flick seemed like nothing more than a selling point for the up-soming Wolverine prequel since he was the only character that really did or said much of anything. Here's the breakdown: Story: New drug threatens to take mutants' powers away. People like it. Mutants think it's bad. War breaks out. X Men fight on the side of the humans.... for no apparent reason.... and then use those drugs against Magneto, a move which you would think would go against all of their inherent principles, and they never bat a fucking eyelash. Bad. Characters: Lots of them, but they all end up like finely decorated drinking cups with nothing inside. Pretty, but lacking of any real substance. And though you might think it wouldn't affect it, this does not help the storyline at all. Action: Okay at times, but really, it just all lacked that oomph of the last flick. None of the moves or any shit like that were ever any good. Conclusion: Bad, bad, bad. About the only good thing was that lots and lots of people were blowed up. It was funny, and when the end credits finish rolling and we're left with the final scene... fuck, I just started laughing my ass off and apologizing furiously to Heather, who I'd dragged to that public fecal viewing. 3/10 Recomendations: Uh.... Hellboy, Spiderman, XMen 2, Superman, shit, the list goes on and on. Any one of them would be better than seeing XM: The Last Stand. Ugh. |
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